Loved Ones... Eulogy for Donald Richard Vanderzee

Why can't today be like any other day, like any other Tuesday? Just an idle Tuesday in January? Today is not like any other day, today my greandfather passed away. He was a great man, a brilliant man, with lots of ideas. Love for his family above all else. He was 82 years old. With much of a struggle thrrough his life he lead it the best he knew how and always came up with an answer that worked. This is an amazing thing because he leaves 9 children, their spouses, 26 grandchildren, their spouses, and 11 great grandchildren who adored him very much. A WWII fighter and overall businessman, he has faced many srtife through-out his long life, including the passing of his wife, my grandmother three years ago, January 6th, Donna Jean Vanderzee, to alzheimers. He was fairly healthy and very sharp for having to endure all that he has had happen.

I miss my grandparents, I love them very much. It only brings happiness to my family to know that they are together now, in heaven.

Peace be to your families, God bless!

~Ben

We all need an Emotional Detachment switch.

Today could have gone much better then it did....

To start out, my computer crashed on me, AGAIN! Now, I have built my system from the ground up, so I know every problem that could happen, would happen. At least I also know how to fix said problems. So that was the better part of my Thursday night and morning today. Good news, it's all fixed and better then it was!

I talked to my friend Tommy, and we had a really good conversation. We have decided that we are the only people out there that understand what it is to be in the situation that we are in, everyone else is just "regular". If you don't understand that, well, that's because you don't think like we do. We enjoy the support, the friends, the family, and the help, not so much because we need them, but because we are people people. When you just know the way someone sounds and how it reflects their mood, or when you know that a certain vibe is coming in with out a word being said. It works when you have a connection with someone, any connection, anyone. To everyone else it's just plain confusion. You're all just "regular".After that, I played a little more DDR, got my car taken care of; it's going to the junk yard; and texted some more friends.

I had decided a week or so ago that I was going to go see a movie tonight. In perticular, Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno). This is a film by Guillermo del Toro, the same director to do Hellboy and Blade II. It's a fantasy/thriller about a make-believe world. "What happens when make-believe believes it's real?" It looks soooo awesome! But alas my luck, noone wants to go see it, mind you is has been out in select cities, and just tonight was released in Minneapolis at the Uptown. It will probabally be one of the last films to be shown at this theatre, the new Condo project that will tear this place down is set for February. So a night at home is now what I have planned.

My mom came to pick me up so I could finish the arrangments on my car tomorrow, and we went grocery shopping. It was alright, nice to be out in the bright sun and warm weather. After an hour or so and now with the cart filled to the top, we headed for the check-out. She see's the new Self-Check-Out and decides that's where we are going, Lane 10. Let me just tell you, I tried to inform her that we should probabally let a "regular" cahsier do the ringing and we can do the bagging, especially with as much as was in the cart. But no, she was adament about going to the self serve lane. There are WAY too many groceries to fit into the three bag holders that are available. And when you go through the self serve lane, everything is weighed. So if you remove something from a bag, or an entire bag altogether, an alert goes off. That means that a manager has to come over to approve the removal by tapping in their security codes on the screen. I knew this from past experiences. Mom, either did not, or didnt care. That poor manager must have had to come enter her code at least 6 times. I felt so bad. Meanwhile my mother is standing there as this goes on, like, "What?! What did I do?" I keep trying to tell her that we have too many groceries and she has to touch "Skip Bagging" for each item while I put it in the new cart. Wow, what an adventure. My mom now officially hates grocery shopping.

Evening has come now. Some good conversations occured today, some not. After much discussion about relationships over the past few weeks with a few people, I have come to the decision that I should take a break. I need to collect myself and find a center that I am happy with. While, I do not want to lose friendships that have been made, I do not see how a foundation built on broken trust can be fruitful. That is not to say that it should stop. It can be fixed or mended, however, changes must take place. Openness is key. One day, the base of our friendship will be solid, filled in by many peices. Some from You, and some from me. I look forward to reaching that point.

So, after a good cry, I have regained perspective, and can move forward from there. If anyone would offer assistance, it surely would be welcome.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions; and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.The sand is everything else; the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal Take care of the golfballs first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about.

What do I change?

So earlier today I was feeling great, I was all full of energy. Excited and giddy, feeling like I haven't felt in a really long time. I took a nap and when I woke up the sun was gone and it was late in the day. I turned on the tv because I had been staring at this screen for way too long earlier. The only things on tv are really depressing movies, and now I feel like crap. The bottom of my stomach has fallen out and I do not feel up to smiling. I'm not sure exactly why. Or maybe I do know why but I don't want to admit it. Whatever it is, it needs to change.

Bring-it!

Ok, so being out last night I was not anticipating having so much fun. I mean yeah, I knew I was going to have a good time, but not a great time. Thank you!(you know who you are :-)) After driving Downtown, we went to the club(best part of the night), but what I can tell you about...
Downtown is such an ideal place, I really, I mean really need to be around there more often. There is anything and everything you could ever want to do. All within walking distance, after a short car ride, if you don't live in the city.
For those who have not been Downtown, in Block E there is a place called Game Works, it is an arcade style bar. I say style, because there are 2 bars and a restaurant inside, not to mention 10 lanes of blacklite bowling.
I was out with a friend. (Yea!) We decided to go to Game Works. To my surprise we didn't really want to play any game, other than DDR! That's right, baby! Dance Dance Revolution!!! I have not played DDR in, oh, 3 years. And anyone who knows me, knows that I do not go to the club and dance like a maniac, I tend to hang on the bar, or DJ booth. And might I just say, we were not horrible, but we were not bad-asses either. It was sooooo fun, we just kept on reloading the game, and eventually had to get more card points to continue playing. Needless to say, we closed the place down. At midnight the game started to freeze, just a little glitch, but enough to make us mis-step. We realized when the game was over that we had been locked from playing again, it was closing time!! :-( I know right!
I got home today, and guess what I did? I pulled our my dance pad, and plugged in DDR Max for my PS2!!! I am gonna get good and go back and show up that infernal machine. Time to bring your game DDR!!! It's on like Donkey Kong!

Oh, and, anyone who would like to come over and teach me how to dance and/or show me their moves, you're welcome over, anytime!

Currently playing : Dance Dance Revolution DDR Max Release date: By 15 June, 2006

Really, not what I expected... thank you.

Last night was a good night, I learned a lot about myself in the process of learing about another. And if you know the lyrics to the song Currently Listening To on this page, then you will understand (Lifehouse - Hanging by a Moment).
"Desperate for changing, starving for truth, Closer where I started, Chasing after you... Letting go of all I've held onto... Forgetting all I'm lacking, Completely incomplete... I'm running and not quite sure where to go, Just hanging by a moment here with you."

So I find no better comfort then in the arms of someone who I care about, and if I can not have that pleasure then the lyrics of a well worn song often find new meaning for me. This is something that I thought about driving home in the dark. Why do really good lyrics take on so many different meanings at different points in our lives?

"When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good"
- 3Door Down - When I'm Gone

A lot of negative things/events have happened for me in this holiday season. I am really trying to focus on the positive and move my life into the better as a whole. I will let you know as that happens.
Currently listening : Hanging by a Moment By Lifehouse Release date: By 05 June, 2001

Can anything else go wrong?

I have not bolgged in a really long time, so sorry.
So around a month ago I was fired again. I worked for Express Scripts, a PBM (pharmacutical benefits management company). They have a very strict policy on attendence, at least durring the first 6 weeks. You can be late once and absent once due to emergency. I had already reached that level and it was week 4. No surprise, huh? I was late for the third time, but only by 2 minutes. That was enough to warrant my termination. Not even 30 mins after arriving I was pulled into the office and told of my fate. I will be eligible for re-hire in 6 months. Now I have to leave the premises, I was not even allowed to return and say good bye to anyone. :-( I was escorted from the building via the security desk, where they took my badge and basically destroyed it right in front of me. I didnt think I could feel any worse, after seeing that, the bottom fell out of my stomach and I sank further into being depressed. So ended my time at ESI.

I've been looking for work since that day, and have not found much to go off of. About a week after leaving ESI my car decided to stop running, and I don't know why. I mean, come on, it was a 1993 Chevrolet Corsica. The shop wants $1200 to tear apart my engine just to find out why, and then however much it's going to cost to repair the damage. I told them to just keep the car, since I bought it for $1100. Add that to my list of things to do.

Let's just say that my Holiday season was not particularly the best.

The Simpsons! for REAL!

How great is this?! Wanna see "The Simpsons" as Humans?
The longrunning animated Fox series is about to show you.
The series will air a live-action opening sequence
Sunday, March 26th @ 7 p.m. CST!!!

Here is the live-action opening trailer...
http://www.youtube.com/v/49IDp76kjPw

And here it is side by side with the animated version...
http://www.youtube.com/v/t56pI7IIi-w

*******************************************************

This was awesome!

Wife 1.0

Last year, a friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it’s a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I’d like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0…
A “Don’t remind me again” buttonMinimize buttonShutdown featureAn install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn’t have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is that it is totally “object oriented” and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

The Game

So... here's what you do....

"Begin and End"
The point of the game is to say a word in a certain topic, and the next person is supposed to continue the play with the last letter of the beginning players word as the beginning of their new word.

Ex) Locations
Jane: anartica
Dick: argentina
Jane: afghnistan
Dick: new hampshire
Jane: ethiopia
Dick: abbington
Jane: new york
Dick: kentucky
Jane: yeman
Dick: north dakota
Jane: australia
Dick: arlington
Jane: new zealand
Dick: denmark
Jane: u already said that
Jane: i win
Dick: i did?

Now, go and post your own... How long can we make it go on?!
Just click "Comments", then reply to the last word!

Off Target

I was fired yesterday. I no longer work for Target Corp. I was told that I had a meeting with HR when I arrived at work Tuesday. Something about a recorded phone call from Friday. Well Target also records screen shots along with the phone call itself. I had been doing too much web surfing, and had found my way to a harmless site, Break.com, where I was looking at meaningless pictures, just stupid stuff, humor, unrealistic things. We've all received the emails and been to various sights of the same nature(ebaumsworld.com for instance), well, there was a video section on this site, so I was checking that out and the next one up was a Spring Break video. Lot's of girls, bikinis and thongs, and HIGHLY inappropiate for a workplace environment. Now, this was not my intention to find such a video. Also I was not paying any attention to what was written on the site, as there was listed; I was informed by HR; a full lungth description of the video. I was mearly looking for funny things to amuse my time while waiting for a phone call to be routed to me. At the instant one came in, this video was starting to play. I was just under my 90 days, I was at day 85. Sunday would have been 90. I was told there is NO tollerance for inappropiate material within 90 days of employment and that I am since being let go. I pleaded for a warning, or a write-up to go in my file, but no, this was the only action to be taken. Well, I have deffinately learned my lesson. But now the question is, "What do I want to do now?"

On the bright side....

Things have worked out between me and Ally, I think we're cool again. And things are starting to take off for my pursuit in radio, I've been spending a lot of time with my friend Dan and kicking back in the studio, learnin the biz. We'll see what happens!

Entry for September 2005 thru January 10, 2006

WOW, so I have been gone for a long time. I don't think that anyone really noticed anyway. Well, let's start out... At the end of September I cut the web and cable out of my life. Also, I was in the process of job searching. I am happy to say that I found a great new job! It was a long road getting here, but I made it. Because of the sale with RMA, I really wanted out now. I had been interviewed for my new job on October 5th, and afterward was pretty confident I was going to recieve the position. So, I drafted up my resigination, but I waited for the right time to turn it in. In other words, I need to know that I was locked in at my new job. It took almost a month for them to get back to me and let me know when training was going to begin and what my pay rate was. Anyhow, it gets better... I wanted to give my notice on October 21st. That would give me 2 weeks, and November 4th would then be my last day, however, I was not guaranteed my position untill October 24th at 10am! They said training started on November 7th. That means I had to go take the drug screen within 24 hours. I had a doctor appointment at 2pm on the 25th for my back, but that was beyond the 24 hour time, so I had to go after work on Monday. I got a call saying everything was good on Tuesday after work. So I gave notice on Wednesday October 26th at 8am. Around 2pm I was called into a meeting and was told I was being suspended, and that I was not allowed to take anything from my desk, but to call back tomorrow and find out what the investigation came up with. I called Thursday and was told not to return to work, I was terminated. I was very upset, but not just because of that, but because my supervisor lied straight to my face when I went back to get my belongings. She removed things from my personal folder and proceded to tell me there was nothing inside of it. Now, ask yourself this... why would I have a 3-ring binder at my desk with nothing inside? And to top it off, she took my artwork from the see-thru cover stating again there was nothing there! Artwork that was irreplaceable! I was so happy to be done with that place, and to have a 2 week vacation!
So, I am guessing that you all want to know where I work now? Well, it is still in collection, but a much better company. I now work with Target Financial Services. That's right, the big bullseye! A multi-million dollar company! No more uncompensated employment, no more petty disputes with those stupid co-workers! More authority, and more money! It's great! With all of this going on and getting situated into my job, I haven't had much time or money to get online to update anything. But that is turning around and I should be back online soon. Some other things happening...
My friend Dan from Erie moved back home to the Cities. My other friend Ally now hates me because I blew up at some messages left on my phone at 2am by a friend of her's who hates me. Guess she wasn't that good of a friend. And Dan is upset with me because of all this as well. And to make that situation worse, him and I had it out over some holiday beliefs. Now we are barely talking or hanging out. My Ex-girlfriend Kara is talking to me again, even after our huge blowup. She really wants to be friends, but I seriously don't think I am ready for that, or that she is either. She constantly avoids seeing me when she comes home from Germany, and when we talk I always bring up "US", and that shuts her down totally. This guy she is with, she says she is going to marry in February, but noone thinks they should. I know she just needs to be home to see that we are right. We'll see what happens.

So, as you can see, I have had an eventfull couple of months, hope it all goes back to normal. SOON

Super Not Cool!

Drivin' ta work... Monday, I get to work, so it's official, we are now NCO. RMA, no more. This is bad, this is very bad. I require medication, expensive medication, and because of my back I am on even more meds. My doc gave a Rx that I picked up Friday, but the pharmacy didn't have all of the pills, yet I paid for all of them. Had I been paying attention I would have seen it was the wrong med, so I called him, had a new Rx sent in, but guess what! it was after my ins. terminated! And... I had already told the pharmacy to refund the 30 pills and just bill for the 10 I had and I would take the new pills. THEY CAN'T DO THAT! I HAVE NO old INSURANCE, NOR NO new INSURANCE CARDS!!! I am so pissed off! I am out of my pain relieving medicating now. I'm gonna talk with the new HR by phone, since we no longer have HR at my office. This sux!

I was really busy all day, connsiderig my step-father is ex-Marine, my aunt and uncle are ex-military and knew people in the South Tower, my step-uncle is ex-Airforce, my step-sister and her husband are military, my sister's husband is a Marine, my step-cousin is Spec-Ops Marine and also my Grandfather served in WWII. I was with family all day and so this is delayed.

In remberence of those who gave so much September 11th, 2001.

"In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him. Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number.
The fact that we cannot see our friends or communicate with them after the transformation which we call death is no proof that they cease to exist."
by Walter Dudley Cavert, Remember Now © 1944, 1971

Sunrise-6am

What a beautiful image :-) (Minneapolis, taken by Me 9/2/2005 @ 6:00 am) ... an amoretto sunrise, and noone to share it with. :-(

Special Delivery

Last night/morning was the best night ever. So... as some of you know, I've been trying to get my ex-girlfriend back. It's a long story... (SUMMARY: We were together young, I waited till she was 18 before anything happened, but I also broke it off 2 times with her. She was also on lots of meds, hmm, funny how that relates to me all too often. So she wanted to get away from everyone in her life and joined up, Army. Moved to Germany and has been there 2 years. I thought I was over her, but much to my best friends disappointment, I wasn't. Then she came home for X-mas, refused to see me. And then got pregnant, and came home to put her baby for adoption, again refused to see me. Then tells me she is getting married. So how am I supposed to take that? NE way, that was about 3 weeks ago) Well, I have decided to try to move on. Beacuse, one, it will be good for me, and two, she really pissed me off this morning. She said I should "fuck off", I said "Gladly! Its better the fucking you!" And today (9/9/05) is her 21st birthday... and I was definately not planning to wish her well, even before this transpired. I hope she leaves me alone. That would rock, once and for all, DONE! Work went ok, I was so tired all day from trying to maintain composure yesterday. But all is good now, the Doc gave me more drugs! OH!, the best part of today... when I got home I had a package. I have been waiting for this to arrive for like a week. I got my new K's! It's about damn time! Classic K-Swiss with a Navy stripe to the heal. They are awesome! I'm so psyched, could be the 20oz coffee from Caribou, but whatever! Yo!, "Where you at?!"

Moving on...

I got to work today at 11 am, I was late. But it's ok, I have an excuse, my back. It was really acting up today, feels like you've been walking all day, and touching my toes is early impossible, it burns right in the very low back. So that was fun getting ready to work today. When I got there my boss was cleaning ogg another desk today, that's 3 this week alone! And 3 other people in my office have found other employment. One such person is my friend Jevaiya, she's going to work at CitiBank Financial... whoot! More collecting! And more $$$!!! Her last day is Friday the 16th, I'm gonna miss her at work, but we still have outside of work, just gonna need more of it! So, naturally, I'm thinking it's time for me to move also... but where... Target Financial? BlueCross Financial? or should I go to CitiBank also? Target is hiring $11.75 to start, but I have experiance, they pay more for that. And BC is $12.50, but no increase, and CitiBank is $13.50... so i dont know.Aside from all that... my 2nd job is closing at 7pm now, everynight!!! No more hours!!! This is going to hurt the Funny Money bucket, Bi-atch!

What's the deal?

What is the problem with women? Why are there so many on heavy medications? Today at my second job, I got a tongue lassing from my boss because this girl I work with, who is certifiable and on public aid for her condition, freaked out in front of a new employee. She is the trainer and my boss sat the newbie with me for a minute or so because she was not at her desk when the newbie had arrived to work. So this new woman thought the crazy was very unprofessional and told my boss she thought so. Well, because this girl IS crazy and we can't ever get along, my boss had to talk to both of us together and let us know something was said, mainly to help this girl understand she can't react to every little issue. I returned to my station and sat for a while, I was a lil pissed, and later on, my boss came up and quietly said to me, "You did nothing wrong." to which I said, "I know". She said that everything was ok, not to worry. I just don’t understand why so many women are so messed up in the head. It's crazy, literally. Anyway, I got to leave work early, 7pm, so that was cool, I'm home now, just relaxing.

Watch that first step, that's a chainsaw there!

HELLO WORLD!

So this is the Blog Space? I've been wanting to keep one going so we'll see how this goes. Hopefully better than this guys day... I want lots of comments, mmk?

Later every body!

What's "worth" it?

So here's the thing I'm wondering... I can never find a good girl who's worth what I think she should be worth. By that I don't mean "worth" as in monatary value, but rather personal worth; time, energy, emotion, and devotion. I'm always being shut out from ever having a chance to see what's worth it. Could it be that I question everything? (emotional scaring) Or is it something physical? (that's fixable) What disqualifies a guy from getting a chance to prove his worth to you?