Loved Ones... Eulogy for Donald Richard Vanderzee

Why can't today be like any other day, like any other Tuesday? Just an idle Tuesday in January? Today is not like any other day, today my greandfather passed away. He was a great man, a brilliant man, with lots of ideas. Love for his family above all else. He was 82 years old. With much of a struggle thrrough his life he lead it the best he knew how and always came up with an answer that worked. This is an amazing thing because he leaves 9 children, their spouses, 26 grandchildren, their spouses, and 11 great grandchildren who adored him very much. A WWII fighter and overall businessman, he has faced many srtife through-out his long life, including the passing of his wife, my grandmother three years ago, January 6th, Donna Jean Vanderzee, to alzheimers. He was fairly healthy and very sharp for having to endure all that he has had happen.

I miss my grandparents, I love them very much. It only brings happiness to my family to know that they are together now, in heaven.

Peace be to your families, God bless!

~Ben

We all need an Emotional Detachment switch.

Today could have gone much better then it did....

To start out, my computer crashed on me, AGAIN! Now, I have built my system from the ground up, so I know every problem that could happen, would happen. At least I also know how to fix said problems. So that was the better part of my Thursday night and morning today. Good news, it's all fixed and better then it was!

I talked to my friend Tommy, and we had a really good conversation. We have decided that we are the only people out there that understand what it is to be in the situation that we are in, everyone else is just "regular". If you don't understand that, well, that's because you don't think like we do. We enjoy the support, the friends, the family, and the help, not so much because we need them, but because we are people people. When you just know the way someone sounds and how it reflects their mood, or when you know that a certain vibe is coming in with out a word being said. It works when you have a connection with someone, any connection, anyone. To everyone else it's just plain confusion. You're all just "regular".After that, I played a little more DDR, got my car taken care of; it's going to the junk yard; and texted some more friends.

I had decided a week or so ago that I was going to go see a movie tonight. In perticular, Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno). This is a film by Guillermo del Toro, the same director to do Hellboy and Blade II. It's a fantasy/thriller about a make-believe world. "What happens when make-believe believes it's real?" It looks soooo awesome! But alas my luck, noone wants to go see it, mind you is has been out in select cities, and just tonight was released in Minneapolis at the Uptown. It will probabally be one of the last films to be shown at this theatre, the new Condo project that will tear this place down is set for February. So a night at home is now what I have planned.

My mom came to pick me up so I could finish the arrangments on my car tomorrow, and we went grocery shopping. It was alright, nice to be out in the bright sun and warm weather. After an hour or so and now with the cart filled to the top, we headed for the check-out. She see's the new Self-Check-Out and decides that's where we are going, Lane 10. Let me just tell you, I tried to inform her that we should probabally let a "regular" cahsier do the ringing and we can do the bagging, especially with as much as was in the cart. But no, she was adament about going to the self serve lane. There are WAY too many groceries to fit into the three bag holders that are available. And when you go through the self serve lane, everything is weighed. So if you remove something from a bag, or an entire bag altogether, an alert goes off. That means that a manager has to come over to approve the removal by tapping in their security codes on the screen. I knew this from past experiences. Mom, either did not, or didnt care. That poor manager must have had to come enter her code at least 6 times. I felt so bad. Meanwhile my mother is standing there as this goes on, like, "What?! What did I do?" I keep trying to tell her that we have too many groceries and she has to touch "Skip Bagging" for each item while I put it in the new cart. Wow, what an adventure. My mom now officially hates grocery shopping.

Evening has come now. Some good conversations occured today, some not. After much discussion about relationships over the past few weeks with a few people, I have come to the decision that I should take a break. I need to collect myself and find a center that I am happy with. While, I do not want to lose friendships that have been made, I do not see how a foundation built on broken trust can be fruitful. That is not to say that it should stop. It can be fixed or mended, however, changes must take place. Openness is key. One day, the base of our friendship will be solid, filled in by many peices. Some from You, and some from me. I look forward to reaching that point.

So, after a good cry, I have regained perspective, and can move forward from there. If anyone would offer assistance, it surely would be welcome.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions; and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.The sand is everything else; the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal Take care of the golfballs first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about.

What do I change?

So earlier today I was feeling great, I was all full of energy. Excited and giddy, feeling like I haven't felt in a really long time. I took a nap and when I woke up the sun was gone and it was late in the day. I turned on the tv because I had been staring at this screen for way too long earlier. The only things on tv are really depressing movies, and now I feel like crap. The bottom of my stomach has fallen out and I do not feel up to smiling. I'm not sure exactly why. Or maybe I do know why but I don't want to admit it. Whatever it is, it needs to change.

Bring-it!

Ok, so being out last night I was not anticipating having so much fun. I mean yeah, I knew I was going to have a good time, but not a great time. Thank you!(you know who you are :-)) After driving Downtown, we went to the club(best part of the night), but what I can tell you about...
Downtown is such an ideal place, I really, I mean really need to be around there more often. There is anything and everything you could ever want to do. All within walking distance, after a short car ride, if you don't live in the city.
For those who have not been Downtown, in Block E there is a place called Game Works, it is an arcade style bar. I say style, because there are 2 bars and a restaurant inside, not to mention 10 lanes of blacklite bowling.
I was out with a friend. (Yea!) We decided to go to Game Works. To my surprise we didn't really want to play any game, other than DDR! That's right, baby! Dance Dance Revolution!!! I have not played DDR in, oh, 3 years. And anyone who knows me, knows that I do not go to the club and dance like a maniac, I tend to hang on the bar, or DJ booth. And might I just say, we were not horrible, but we were not bad-asses either. It was sooooo fun, we just kept on reloading the game, and eventually had to get more card points to continue playing. Needless to say, we closed the place down. At midnight the game started to freeze, just a little glitch, but enough to make us mis-step. We realized when the game was over that we had been locked from playing again, it was closing time!! :-( I know right!
I got home today, and guess what I did? I pulled our my dance pad, and plugged in DDR Max for my PS2!!! I am gonna get good and go back and show up that infernal machine. Time to bring your game DDR!!! It's on like Donkey Kong!

Oh, and, anyone who would like to come over and teach me how to dance and/or show me their moves, you're welcome over, anytime!

Currently playing : Dance Dance Revolution DDR Max Release date: By 15 June, 2006

Really, not what I expected... thank you.

Last night was a good night, I learned a lot about myself in the process of learing about another. And if you know the lyrics to the song Currently Listening To on this page, then you will understand (Lifehouse - Hanging by a Moment).
"Desperate for changing, starving for truth, Closer where I started, Chasing after you... Letting go of all I've held onto... Forgetting all I'm lacking, Completely incomplete... I'm running and not quite sure where to go, Just hanging by a moment here with you."

So I find no better comfort then in the arms of someone who I care about, and if I can not have that pleasure then the lyrics of a well worn song often find new meaning for me. This is something that I thought about driving home in the dark. Why do really good lyrics take on so many different meanings at different points in our lives?

"When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good"
- 3Door Down - When I'm Gone

A lot of negative things/events have happened for me in this holiday season. I am really trying to focus on the positive and move my life into the better as a whole. I will let you know as that happens.
Currently listening : Hanging by a Moment By Lifehouse Release date: By 05 June, 2001

Can anything else go wrong?

I have not bolgged in a really long time, so sorry.
So around a month ago I was fired again. I worked for Express Scripts, a PBM (pharmacutical benefits management company). They have a very strict policy on attendence, at least durring the first 6 weeks. You can be late once and absent once due to emergency. I had already reached that level and it was week 4. No surprise, huh? I was late for the third time, but only by 2 minutes. That was enough to warrant my termination. Not even 30 mins after arriving I was pulled into the office and told of my fate. I will be eligible for re-hire in 6 months. Now I have to leave the premises, I was not even allowed to return and say good bye to anyone. :-( I was escorted from the building via the security desk, where they took my badge and basically destroyed it right in front of me. I didnt think I could feel any worse, after seeing that, the bottom fell out of my stomach and I sank further into being depressed. So ended my time at ESI.

I've been looking for work since that day, and have not found much to go off of. About a week after leaving ESI my car decided to stop running, and I don't know why. I mean, come on, it was a 1993 Chevrolet Corsica. The shop wants $1200 to tear apart my engine just to find out why, and then however much it's going to cost to repair the damage. I told them to just keep the car, since I bought it for $1100. Add that to my list of things to do.

Let's just say that my Holiday season was not particularly the best.