Sunday, May 4, 2025

Blood Moon

Blood Moon:

An Alpha City Novel


By BK Blackwood


Chapter 1:


Alpha City, Luna


The Moon had never been silent—not really. Not to Isaac Drexler. It hummed beneath the surface, in the patient thrumming of reclamation engines, in the whisper of recycled air rushing through the titanium guts of Luna Prime, in the metronomic clack‑clack of the mag‑rail that stitched the domes together like surgical sutures over scarred regolith. Isaac had tuned his ears to that alien murmur thirty years ago, back when he still wore a badge and clung to belief. Since then, the hum had become reluctant company, a feral heartbeat that reminded him he was alive.


Tonight, after fourteen straight Earth‑standard days of colony “night,” the hum turned into a scream as the phase of the moon prepared to cycle the cooling units on.


He heard it first in the pipes overhead: the shriek of pressure regulators over‑compensating, the frantic shiver of worn metal. The scream traveled, became the whine of a broken servo in the corridor outside his door, then the sub‑audio rattle inside his skull. It insisted, and Isaac—who had sworn never to listen again—found himself sitting up on his bunk as though jerked by invisible wire.


The comm‑link on the bulkhead cracked alive, a bolt of static bright enough to paint a jagged line of text across the cramped hab he thought he’d never read again. Isaac blinked. The holo‑chessboard in his lap flickered; a virtual pawn threatened his knight—a three‑week stalemate he’d refused to resolve out of sheer spite. He thumbed the board dark and reached for the comm switch, thumb hovering.


Answer and the scream stops being private. Decline and the past gets a forwarding address. 


He answered.


“Drexler,” he said, voice rough with recycled gin.


Chief Orla Sanjani’s voice came through like a ghost stepping barefoot across cold tile. “There’s been a murder.”


No pleasantries. No bullshit. Orla had commanded Vice the same year he’d cracked his first homicide; she knew exactly how to spend his attention.


He exhaled. “That still happens.”


“Not like this,” she replied. “Not on Luna. Not in thirty-two years.”


There it was—the hook. Orla dangled it with professional cruelty, and Isaac felt the barb bury itself under scar tissue. Thirty-two years since the last confirmed homicide—two whole generations of lunar citizens raised to believe blood belonged only to Earth‑side crime dramas.


“You pulled me out of retirement for a body?” He tried detached. “Send the bots. You’ve got algorithms that rebuild motive faster than I can lace my boots.”


“We did. Forensics drones swept the scene. They flagged an anomaly.”


“Meaning?”


“Inconclusive. The uncertainty index spiked off the chart. Old sub‑routines defaulted to the fail‑safe directive.”


He rubbed a thumb over the ridge of the scar across his knuckles. “Fail‑safe meaning ‘call a human.’”


“Meaning ‘call someone who still remembers what blood looks like on real ground.’”


He hadn’t meant to come back.


Not to the Directorate, not to any version of the job. After the Pell Disappearance—he refused to call it murder without a body—he’d resigned, stuffed every unsolved file into a hard‑sealed trunk, and drifted into the Outer Sector. District 19 had once been the beating heart of the Aristarchus mining initiative; when the H3 ore veins dried and investor money evaporated, the sector withered into a gutter for the forgotten. Perfect, Isaac had thought. A place where memories could erode.


He almost succeeded.


He leaned forward, feet finding the chilled deck. “Who’s lead?”


“Officer Cleo Drexler.”


His heart did a small, stupid thing—skipped, then stumbled. “She’s not ready.”


“She’s your daughter.”


“She still hates me.”


“Then maybe this will help.” Orla paused; when she spoke again, the words fell like iron filings. “The victim is Juno Pell.”


The room cinched tight enough to strangle breath. Juno Pell. A name that still bled from the margins of Isaac’s old notebook where he’d scribbled theories until the paper tore.


“Juno Pell was a ghost,” he managed.


“Not anymore.”


The ringing in his ears nearly drown out the bleeding scream. “Where?”


“I’ll send the packet,” Orla said. “And the prime suspect? Her brother—Vance Pell. The one who vanished thirty years ago.”


The channel dropped into silence so complete it made the earlier scream seem merciful.


Isaac stared at the dead comm for a long time, counting the hammer‑fall of his pulse. Then he stood, joints protesting lunar gravity that was lighter than Earth’s but heavier than regret, and began to suit up.


Now came the ritual of departure, and Isaac observed ritual. He packed slowly, choosing items that were less equipment than psychological armor: an ash‑wood fountain pen his late wife had loved; a first‑edition e‑paper of Bashō’s moon haikus; a ceramic flask of yaupon tea—contraband, priceless. Each object a tether he could haul on if the tunnels of the past tried to swallow him.


District 19 never truly slept, yet human psyche insisted the colony’s clocks follow the 24 hour cycle, and “night” was soon ending. The alleys empty; only sanitation bots and people who profited from darkness crept about. Isaac stepped onto mezzanine six and regarded his rust‑patched hab—a barnacle clinging to vacuum shielding. The door auto‑locked behind him. Nothing inside worth stealing except loneliness, and there was plenty of that to spare.


Descending the helix stair, he passed a mural of phosphorescent lunar graffiti: the phases of Earth stylized as a serpent eating its own tail.


At the tram concourse he paused beside an antique‑tech stall. The lanky vendor slid him a canvas pouch: a spool of copper wire, an obsolete memory wafer, a stub of graphite.


“Things that remember when electrons fail,” Amanuel said. “You always preached redundancy.”


Isaac paid with a tap of his dorsum. “Thank you.”


“Bring her home,” the vendor whispered, as though he knew exactly which her mattered.


He boarded the mag‑rail southbound. Across the aisle a minor snored, heading for school or likely playingggg hookie; I Issac was envious; an old woman crocheted yarn spun from bio‑polymer. A terran‑model synth conductor scanned Isaac’s creds without comment; its status LED reflected off the analog wristwatch Cleo had gifted him on his promotion day—back when she still looked at him like a hero.


He twisted the crown, winding springs—human‑scale seconds, sacred because they ended.


The datapacket Orla sent pulsed on his flex‑view. He opened it, letting the soft light obscure and wash the cabin. Victim: Pell, Juno Seraphine. Age at death: 26. Case Status: Missing, cycle 15-108, declared deceased in absentia, cycle 17-115. Update: Body discovered, cycle 48-228. in Sector 7 Oxygen Reclamation Plant, sub‑basement 3. Condition: desiccated; lacerations consistent with scalpel or micro‑laser, no cauterization. Lack of lividity due to partial vacuum. Autopsy drone inconclusive.


He zoomed on a holo still: a slender figure in maintenance coveralls curled like a comma on cold deck plating. Mouth open, eyes wider—death mid‑sentence. Two precise incisions nested beneath each scapula. Metadata said the cuts led to cavities where something had been carefully removed.


“What were you carrying, Juno?” he muttered.


The packet’s last page was a warrant dated yesterday, 48–230: Bring Vance Pell into custody. Isaac closed the file; in the dark reflection of the window he saw a gaunt man with rust‑brown eyes and week‑old stubble. A stranger who used to be him.


Chief Sanjani waited at Checkpoint Delta, stripped of uniform, wearing a charcoal jumpsuit that blended with logistics staff. Short, square‑built, hair in an uncompromising silver bun. She nodded.


“Inspector,” she said.


“Don’t,” he replied. “I’m a civilian.”


“Not anymore.” A retinal scanner swept green across his face. “Congratulations; you’re reinstated.”


“Against my will.”


“Consider it conscription.” She walked beside him into Security Wing Gamma—rows of weapons cages and holotables. She handed him a matte‑black Mark‑7 coil gun.


“I don’t carry anymore.”


“You do tonight.”


Another cage yielded a silk‑wrapped object: his badge, number 340019.


“Really?” he asked.


“Cleo needs backup, not interference. Do the job you taught her.”


Orla keyed a privacy shroud over the holotable; hexagonal facets of amber light unfolded like petals around the three‑meter workstation, sealing them into an acoustic cocoon that swallowed the din of Security Wing Gamma. Outside the veil, armorers argued about coil‑charge calibrations, data‑clerks pushed trolleys stacked with memory bricks, and an entire phalanx of rookies queued for inoculations against whatever micro‑pathogens the outer domes had cultured this quarter. Inside the shroud, there was only the hum of the projector and the synchronized breathing of two veterans who had seen the lunar colony in every season of its fragile history.


Orla Sanjani stood ram‑rod straight—she always had—but beneath her poise Isaac sensed fatigue coiled like barbed wire. The silver in her bun had multiplied since their last case together, and the soft lines around her eyes had become etchings. Yet her irises still carried that unbeatable tungsten glow: the look of someone who had balanced too many political knives on the tip of principle and refused to let a single blade nick her conscience.


She called up two holo‑panes with a flick. The first was what he expected: wide‑angle stills from the oxygen‑reclamation plant in Sector 7, timestamped ten lunar hours ago. He recognized Juno Pell’s body—rounded shoulders, narrow hips, hair that had once been dyed ultraviolet and now lay dull and frost‑crusted. The second pane, however, corkscrewed Isaac’s gut: the same body relocated to Sector Seven’s central dome, arranged supine among the meticulously raked swirls of a zen garden reserved for the board of trustees. The image was subtler than the reclamation‑plant gore but amplified its horror by juxtaposition. Crimson rivulets spidered through obsidian sand toward the immaculate white roots of a bonsai valued at ten million credits. Someone had turned a murdered researcher into living protest art.


“Same victim, new location,” Isaac murmured, touching the two panes so their metadata columns aligned. The forensics tags confirmed identical tissue degradation, vacuum‑burn patterns, and DNA markers.


“Dragged her out of cold storage, staged the tableau, cleaned their tracks, and broadcast the find to a dozen info‑brokers before the drones even registered the pressure breach,” Orla said. Her voice was low, even. “It was an announcement, Drexler.”


He nodded. “Whoever did it wants us to see the dots and draw the line straight to me.”


She blinked once—agreement. Then she zoomed into the third‑order telemetry from dome security: entry logs, badge IDs, route overlays. A single credential glowed red. INSPECTOR I. DREXLER – LEVEL 4 CLEARANCE – LAST ACTIVE 28.115. Isaac’s stomach iced over. Those codes had been dead for decades, entombed in an archive nobody touched because the Directorate preferred to forget its failures.


“I scrubbed your old files myself,” he said quietly.


“Which means someone with root access rewrote a corpse of code, then piggy‑backed its handshake onto the dome’s optic scanners.” Orla pinched out a cascade of cascading hashes—evidence of the breach. “It’s elegant spoofing. Two-factor retinal, thermal, gait analysis—all perfectly imitated.”


“Impossible without high‑res biostat capture,” Isaac countered. “Only a handful of systems keep that level of legacy data.”


“Helios‑Edge Biotech is one,” Orla replied, and threw a corporate command hierarchy in front of him like a guillotine blade. “Guess who still holds a controlling share?”


He didn’t need to read the name. He could almost feel the letters burn before they appeared: Elias Pell.  Patriarch, visionary investor, architect of half the med‑tech margins in the inner system. Father to Juno and Vance. Thirty-five years ago he’d been a brash frontier engineer willing to fund risky projects. Now he was an invisible emperor whose public holograms were weeks out of date and whose flesh‑and‑blood presence was rumored to be cryo‑sedated for longevity trials.


“They’re baiting me,” Isaac finally said, voice thick. “Or framing me. Either way, the story moves with my shadow.”


Orla snapped her fingers, projecting a 3‑D wireframe of Sector Seven’s corporate dome. Red pips indicated board‑member residences, executive offices, and the zen garden at the center—an architectural mandala that served as both meditation and showpiece for investor tours. The map rotated, and a faint line pulsed from the garden straight down through service corridors, freight lifts, and abandoned utility tunnels until it intersected with Sub‑Basement 3 of the oxygen plant: the original crime scene.


“Vector’s too precise for coincidence,” she said. “Our unsub wanted to draw a vertical connection—hell to heaven in a single straight shot.”


Isaac’s detective mind clicked old gears into motion. Presentation, message, mythic resonance.  It was classic dramaturgy, the kind you found in old Earth homicide manifestos: Zodiac letters, Jack the Ripper’s taunts, performers craving audience. But this unsub knew the colony’s psychology. Thirty‑two years without a murder had bred a generation of lunar citizens convinced violence could be engineered out of humanity, provided sufficient algorithms watched the doors. A staged tableau in Sector Seven’s holiest botanical sanctuary was like detonating a scarlet flare against black sky.


“What about the lift logs? Vac seals?” he asked.


“All wiped. We only identified the spoof after drone thirty-one mis‑noted shortwave interference. Whoever it is knows our sensor hierarchy and its blind folds.”


He rubbed a hand over his face. The stubble rasped under his palm. “So the board will argue containment, sweep it under NDAs, pay a bereavement dividend to the public, and rewrite colony history again. We can’t let them.”


“I’ve already felt the tremors,” Orla admitted. “Sector Seven’s legal counsel filed three injunctions against Directorate presence inside the dome. Emergency Executive Authority overrides them, but we’ve got about six hours before an appellate algorithm ties us in knots. If we don’t show a credible lead, the board will bring in their own security and bury the case.”


Isaac looked at her. “You knew this would happen when you called me.”


“Yes,” she said. “I also know Cleo will follow evidence wherever it points, even if that means storming Helios‑Edge’s data vault. But she’s operating on rookie adrenaline. She needs a counterweight—someone who has watched the city spin lies and still found a fulcrum.”


“My presence unbalances her,” Isaac warned.


“Only until the first shot’s fired,” Orla replied. She zoomed the garden image, highlighting the bonsai’s rootball. An embedded sensor tag pulsed. “Forensics pulled a surgical implant from the soil. Prototype micro‑drive. Encryption exotic enough that station AI refused to parse it, citing potential treaty violations. We think it’s data Juno smuggled out of Helios‑Edge.”


“If that drive holds patient trials or proprietary genome trees—”


“—then it’s worth more than Luna’s ice reserves.” Orla locked eyes with him. “Cleo doesn’t yet appreciate how deep Helios’s talons run. She’ll treat this like homicide. You know better.”


Silence filled the alcove. Isaac studied the ghost of his own credentials on the screen, layered beneath Juno’s blood‑blackening the sand, and thought of Vance Pell: prodigy coder, haunted brother, boy who had once shared ice cream with Juno on the colony promenade while Isaac took statements from their father. Motes of the past swirled.


Finally he spoke. “Alright. I’ll play lightning rod. Eyes open, armor thin, heart ready.”


Orla dropped the privacy shroud; the wing’s cacophony poured back in. She plucked a slim data‑wand from the table and slid it into his breast pocket. “Red wire, blue sheath. One poke and it dumps forensic video straight to broadcast. Dead‑man’s switch.” She gripped his wrist, a rare gesture of personal loyalty. “If they pin this on you, don’t go quietly. Make them bleed truth. Cleo is senior officer at scene command; you follow her lead unless life or evidence is at stake.”

“I remember chain of command.”

“Good. Then remember this: Sector Seven’s board has enough political gravity to bend law. Don’t give them leverage.”

He clipped the badge to his belt.


Isaac nodded. Leverage is for people with something to lose, he’d told her. Yet, leaving the alcove, he felt the renewed drag of priceless vulnerabilities: a daughter on the line, a promise to a dead woman, and a planet that would never forgive him if he failed twice.


The service car hissed as magnetic clamps disengaged, sliding into the spinal tube that tunneled beneath Alpha City like a giant arterial vein. A soft tremor passed through Isaac’s boots at departure—nothing like the old click‑clack of Earth trains he’d ridden as a rookie, but enough vibration to remind the body of inertia.


Inside the compartment, lighting auto‑shifted from utilitarian white to a dusky amber in deference to colony circadian protocols. The two forensics techs—Yara Menendez and Halric Ong—settled opposite Isaac on fold‑down seats, each cradling a shock‑mounted crate labeled CS‑EVIDENCE/HAZMAT/HUMAN‑TISSUE . Their conversational murmurs were brief, coded, respectful. They knew his history. Everybody did after the Directorate AI scraped newsreels to announce his reinstatement.


Yara offered a foil packet of stim‑gum. “Orange‑mate flavor. Cuts the recycled‑air funk.”


He waved it off politely. “If I dose caffeine now, I’ll crash before report drafts.”


Halric smiled shyly. “My dad used to quote your deposition on the Svalbard Incident—said you were the last inspector to get a full confession without psy‑coercion.”


Isaac shrugged, uncomfortable. “Different era. Suspects still believed in redemption.”


The tram whooshed around a gentle curve; gyros compensated, but the sensation of gravitational mischief still tugged at inner ear. Isaac focused on the viewport. The sprawl of Alpha City unfurled overhead in inverted relief: domes stacked like translucent pearls, habitat strata glowing pastel where photovoltaic skin met starlight. Cargo crawlers traced slow neon vectors along surface corridors—tooth‑up beetles ferrying ice, algae cultures, isotopic fuel rods. Farther away, the ancient rim of Aristarchus crater rose jagged, serenaded by a perpetual dust halo kicked up by ore haulers.


A concert of colony sound reverberated through the carriage frame: the subterranean rumble of mass drivers launching ore canisters to orbital smelters, the bass thump of regolith compactors reinforcing tunnel walls, the harmonic whine of thousand‑kilowatt turbines bleeding load at shift change. Isaac closed his eyes, letting those notes weave into the Moon’s primeval hum inside his chest. When he was a younger man, that chorus had felt like possibility. After his resignation, it had become eulogy. Tonight it felt like prophecy again—ominous, irresistible.


The evidence crate at his feet vibrated faintly as though its contents objected to being moved. A yellow bio‑flag on the lid pulsed CONTAINMENT INTEGRITY: LEVEL 2.  He visualized the micro‑drive Orla mentioned lying inside a sterile vial, its surgical titanium shell no larger than a baby’s milk tooth. Data stones, the press had nicknamed them: injectable archives capable of storing exabytes in quantum‑fold crystal lattices. The technology was still in clinical trials on Terra; Helios‑Edge must have smuggled prototypes off‑planet, far from regulatory oversight.


He thumbed his flex‑view to overlay schematics. Sub‑Basement 3 of the reclamation plant had been decommissioned and left to dust since the facility upgraded to closed‑loop CO₂ scrubbers. Yet someone had accessed the freight lift, depressurized the chamber, drained the lumen grid so motion sensors thought the room inert, and performed methodical surgery on a living—or recently deceased—subject. Removal of thymus and pituitary suggested endocrine exploitation: hormones for life‑extension cocktails, perhaps. High‑value tissue for covert bio‑pharm labs. But why resuscitate Juno’s corpse in a public garden? That step transformed a profitable harvest into an act of ideological defiance.


A memory surfaced: Juno at age fourteen, touring the central bio gardens on a school field trip. She’d tugged Isaac’s sleeve—he’d been her father’s assigned security escort that week—and asked whether the carefully pruned cherry blossoms could ever “feel lonely” in artificial gravity. A strange question from a prodigy. He’d answered that loneliness was a human luxury trees didn’t need. She’d looked at him with pity that made him uncomfortable all day.


Halric broke the reverie by tapping his tablet. “Sir, drone feed from the dome just updated. Cleo authorized ‘canary burst’ protocols.”


A canary burst: temporary lifting of data‑silence embargo so all sensors could transmit full‑bandwidth telemetry for ninety seconds. High risk of leaks, but a crucial info flood.


Yara angled the holograph so Isaac could see. Dozens of miniature wire‑frame entities danced above a blueprint. Each represented a drone or officer. Cleo’s avatar, tagged LEAD/ DREXLER C. , pulsed at the garden’s edge, directing micro‑spectrometer swarms across the sand ripples.


“She’s taking core samples every twenty centimeters,” Yara noted, admiration coloring her tone.


Isaac studied his daughter’s digital ghost. Tactical crispness in her angles. A slow pride tempered by dread. He zoomed out, mapping evacuation routes, choke points, vantage zones. The dome’s glass‑fiber roof was rated for micrometeorites but not small‑arms fire. If Helios‑Edge—or a proxy—intended to strike, they’d exploit that weakness, maybe deploy monofilament drogue lines from an orbital drone.


He pinged Cleo’s channel, typed a single phrase: Check upper lattice for micro fissures. She responded with a curt Already on it, old man. The affectionate jab eased tension in his shoulders.


A chime announced approach to Sector Seven. Grav plates ramped up resistance for deceleration, the cabin’s ambient lighting shifting to soft aquamarine—the corporate shade of the dome’s owner consortium. Isaac secured the crates, double‑checked the coil‑gun’s mag‑ring alignment.


Halric swallowed. “You think we’re walking into an ambush, Inspector?”


“I think we’re already inside one,” Isaac said. “The minute they forged my badge, the game board was set. All we can do now is choose whether we move like pawns or queens.”


Yara cocked her head. “I’ll take queen, thanks.”


The tram doors parted with a whisper. Pressurized vestibule air kissed their faces—too sterile, perfumed with juniper resin and ozone scrubbing. Isaac inhaled slowly, the way divers do before plunging, and stepped onto a glass skywalk that curved upward like the throat of some luminous beast gobbling them toward the dome’s heart.


Sector Seven’s central dome loomed beyond the skywalk: a colossal hemisphere of fused silica threads and graphene ribs, six hundred meters across, crowned by a fractal lattice that doubled sunlight filtration and kinetic shielding. The structure’s outer shell refracted lunar day into shimmering rainbows; at its zenith, a venting aperture exhaled faint vapor streaks—a cosmetic flourish designed to mimic Earth clouds for homesick executives.


At the base, the perimeter checkpoint resembled a minimalist cathedral: white pillars of self‑healing ceramic, frosted plex screens scrolling executive welcomes in five languages, and a single narrow causeway forced visitors to slow, to submit. Directorate crime‑scene tape—brilliant indigo photonic bands—cut a jagged ring around the entrance, its edges flickering with warning glyphs that no civilian dared test.


Two corporate sentries awaited: young, athletic, their polished breastplates embossed with a stylized helix entwined by laurel branches—the Helios‑Edge crest. Pulse‑pistols rested high on tactical harnesses, more ornamental than practical. Security doctrine for high‑net‑worth zones favored non‑lethal mez rounds and litigation shields rather than messy firefights. Behind them stood a Directorate lieutenant in midnight‑blue armor. Her name tag read Liu, R. —one of Cleo’s academy classmates.


Isaac advanced, badge displayed. Lieutenant Liu’s visor iris dilated, scanning the chip. Her expression remained professionally neutral but her voice carried subtle warmth. “Inspector Drexler. Captain Drexler asked me to expedite your entry. No press allowed past the cordon. No board reps either—they’re fuming in the envoy lounge.”


“Enjoy the fireworks,” Isaac said.


Liu stepped aside, but one corporate guard raised a gloved palm. “Helios‑Edge protocols require biometric confirmation. Your credentials were flagged for anomaly.”


Isaac almost laughed. The audacity. “You mean the credentials someone stole from archives to drop a corpse at your shareholders’ feet?”


The guard stiffened. Liu cleared her throat. “Directorate protocols supersede. Let’s not delay the Inspector.”


But Isaac stopped. He saw opportunity. He unclipped the badge, held it as though examining wear. “Run your scan,” he told the guard. “Let’s ensure we’re all looking at the same anomaly.”


The guard, thrown off balance by the cooperative tone, nodded. A scanning brace slid from the checkpoint arch and projected concentric rings of green light across Isaac’s face, wrists, gait sensors. A chime sounded. The holo display read: CREDENTIALS VERIFIED – TIMESTAMP 48:199. Forty‑nine minutes before Juno’s body had appeared in the garden.


Gasps fluttered among onlookers. Lieutenant Liu’s brow furrowed. Isaac spoke loudly, letting his voice carry toward the knot of execs behind a transparent partition where they eavesdropped. “There. Someone with root access manipulated logs to place me on site at the time of the murder relocation. Your own scanners prove it false, because if I were here then, they’d read a second earlier timestamp from physical presence.” He pointed at the display as it cycled to CURRENT TIME 48:251.  “The discrepancy is your smoking gun—suggesting data forgery at the system core.”


Whispers ignited among the corporate entourage. A woman in pearl‑lined enviro‑silks—board liaison, Isaac guessed—muted her comm call and stared daggers. Isaac gave her a curt nod, then stepped through the ion scrubber. Electric mist crawled over his clothes, neutralizing surface pathogens.


Beyond the checkpoint, a sunlit concourse unfolded: vaulted ceiling alive with faux skylarks programmed to flutter among hanging gardens. Cascading pools emitted soft chimes as controlled micrometeorites seeded ripples—an art installation quantifying cosmic randomness. Everything smelled of money and curated nature, so unlike the raw metal tang of District 19.


He tracked Cleo’s AR beacon via his wrist slate. The route led through a ring of boutiques—luxury exosuit tailors, zero‑g perfumeries, off‑world art dealerships—every storefront dimmed behind privacy shutters out of respect for the “incident.” Security drones hovered at regular intervals, projecting polite but impenetrable barriers. A small crowd of dome residents had gathered near the garden entrance, some weeping, others streaming commentary over social feeds despite jamming fields. The morbidity of wealth always found an audience.


As he approached, a low sonic hiss signaled the decontamination curtain parting. The interior zen garden sprawled beneath a wave‑shaped plex canopy that refracted light into pearlescent columns. Smooth basalt boulders, imported at ruinous expense from Earth’s Izu Peninsula, anchored spiral patterns in fine black lunar regolith. The bonsai—an ache‑beautiful miniature sequoia spliced with lunar‑hardy moss—rose at the exact center, its roots entangled with silver capacitor filaments to monitor growth metrics.


At its base, Juno Pell lay like the garden’s discarded heart. Her coveralls, once cerulean, had oxidized to purple beneath vacuum exposure; blood carved maroon delta channels through sand. Forensics drones hovered, their vents whispering prayers. Officers in gray‑striped lunar suits walked the perimeter. And there, kneeling with improbable calm, Cleo Drexler gently extracted core samples with a vibra‑spoon while issuing orders via subvocal comm.


Isaac paused at the threshold, unseen for a moment, watching his daughter’s competence radiate. She had inherited her mother’s grace, his restless analysis, and forged them into something steel. Guilt stabbed him—both for the pride he felt and the years he’d stolen from that pride.


Then she sensed him, perhaps by shift in air currents, but didn’t look up.


Tuesday, October 22, 2024

Concrete Jungle


Concrete Jungle - BK Blackwood

I bound through the familiar woods, leaves crunching beneath my hooves like nature's own symphony. Sunlight filters through the canopy, casting dappled shadows on the forest floor. Suddenly, the trees part, and I face a strange, vast expanse. Concrete and steel stretch toward the sky, emitting a cacophony of sounds – car horns, chatter, and wailing sirens. I tremble, disoriented.


Every step forward fills me with dread. Gigantic machines roar, belching smoke and fire. Two-legged creatures rush past, their faces buried in small, glowing rectangles. They don't see me, or perhaps they don't care. I weave between pedestrians, avoiding briefcases and backpacks.


A waft of greasy food tantalizes my nostrils, followed by the pungent smell of waste. My stomach growls, longing for the forest's lush underbrush. I spot a dumpster, its lid ajar, and cautiously approach. Discarded fruits and vegetables amidst the trash – a feast. I munch, wary of the surrounding buildings.


As night falls, the city transforms. Neon lights cast a gaudy glow, and the two-leggers' pace slows. Some congregate around glowing screens, while others stumble, laughing and shouting. I seek refuge in a narrow alleyway, watching from the shadows.


A young two-legger, tiny and unsteady, wanders into the alley. Alone. Crying. My ears perk up, and I step forward, hesitant. A frantic voice echoes through the alley, "Timmy!" The little one's face lights up, and a rushing two-legger sweeps them into a tight embrace.


The moment passes, leaving me thoughtful. Not all two-leggers are monsters.


Days blend together in this concrete jungle. I adapt, finding hidden oases – parks and gardens amidst the steel. I learn to avoid the loud machines and scurrying two-leggers during peak hours.


But dangers lurk. A sleek, black creature with glowing eyes (a car) nearly strikes me. I bound away, heart racing. In the forest, predators are straightforward – mountain lions, coyotes. Here, threats disguise themselves as everyday life.


One morning, I spot a break in the steel and stone – a narrow park. Trees and grass! I bound toward sanctuary, the human world's dangers receding with each step. The forest's shadows envelop me, comforting.


Back home, I pause, catching my breath. The forest's rhythms reassert themselves – birdsong, rustling leaves. I realize the human world's terrors are just as real as those in our darkest glades.


From now on, I'll stick to the wild, where monsters are just predators to avoid, not an entire, bewildering civilization.

Tuesday, October 1, 2024

Guess Who's Back... Chapter 1

It’s been years since my last post, and boy, have things changed. Back then, my blog was a mix of personal musings and humorous anecdotes. Now, my journey with ChatGPT has taken me in bold new directions. From deep dives into A.I., philosophy, and quantum mechanics to crafting intricate sci-fi plots, LitRPGs, and creative writing projects like *The Janus Edict* and *Echoes of Eternity*, my interests have evolved. This blog will now reflect my expanding passions—science, storytelling, gaming, and more. Welcome to the rebrand, where geekery meets introspection.


Let’s embark on this new adventure together!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A Cowboy Story

A Cowboy from Miles City, Montana walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
 
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Montana for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
 
Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Miles City, Montana. 
What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
 
The good ol' Montana boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A Cowboy from Miles City, Montana walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
 
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Montana for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
 
Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Miles City, Montana. 
What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
 
The good ol' Montana boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

Monday, May 4, 2009

Someone who...

I want someone who...

1. I can trust.
2. Can make me smile.
3. Will be serious.
4. I can talk to for hours, and not get bored.
5. Calls me when they're down.
6. Can leave me a voice message when I don't pick up and sing "I just called, to say, I love you..."
7. Can make me the happiest boy alive.
8. Is real.
9. Doesn't try to be like everyone else.
10. Is different.
11. Will love me till the day I die.
12. Knows what I'm thinking.
13. Doesn't try to hurt me.
14. Gives amazing hugs.
15. I can hold.
16. I can call mine. All mine. Mine, mine, mine.
17. That laughs with me, not at me.
18. I can take a shower with, and make it non-sexual.
19. Believes in meaningful sex.
20. Can correct my mistakes.
21. I can tell all my secrets.
22. Can take away my pain.
23. Would be loyal beyond belief. Forever and always.
24. Would stand up for me.
25. Wants to start a new life. OUR life.
26. Doesn't mind being attached to my hip.
27. Can shower me with gifts. Not the ones you buy with money, but with love.
28. Surprises me. Even if they think it's stupid and pointless.
29. Likes adventures.
30. Who loves to cuddle.
31. Who would rather kiss and cuddle till our lips tingled, then have sex.
32. Won't rush things unless its mutual.
33. Isn't pushy.
34. Isn't obsessed with money.
35. Can tell me everything that's bothering them.
36. I can do nothing with, and still have fun.
37. Can teach me new things.
38. Doesn't smoke.
39. Doesn't talk about me behind my back.
40. Is spontaneous.
41. Can look me in the eyes and know the feelings mutual.
42. Sings to me.
43. Grabs and holds my hand to make me feel loved.
44. Makes me feel comfortable.
45. Loves to eat good food.
46. Supports me 110%.
47. Can smile, and make me smile back.
48. I can show off to my friends and family.
49. Can fall asleep in my arms.
50. Actually read every single one of these so far, and will read every single one after.
51. I can fall asleep in there arms.
52. Help me when I'm down.
53. Won't shut me out.
54. Kisses me all over and makes me giggle.
55. Knows when to stop.
56. Doesn't want to fight, but can assert their opinion.
57. Will blindfold me. Tell me they got me a huge present. And when I take the blindfold off, they're wearing a bow on their head.
58. Will dance with me like an idiot around the house.
59. Likes the kind of music I like, but is open to more.
60. Is able to share themselves with me.
61. Isn't afraid to try new things.
62. Doesn't look at me like I'm some kind of tool.
63. Is ready to learn.
64. Makes me feel like I'm in a different world.
65. Compliments me a lot. Even though I will mostly deny it, it still makes me VERY happy.
66. Is smart.
67. Understands where I'm coming from.
68. Knows that I would never do anything unloyal.
69. Will dress in the same outfit as me once in the blue moon, just for shits and giggles.
70. Doesn't think I'm crazy.
71. Nibbles on my neck.
72. Will call me when they're done reading this and tell me they're the one.
73. Can be with me 24/7, and not get sick of me.
74. Randomly come up and hug me.
75. Likes to go camping.
76. Comes to me, before going to anyone else.
77. Deserves the world.
78. Is up for change.
79. Has a lot in common with me.
80. That isn't still obsessed with one of their ex's.
81. Doesn't bitch and complain.
82. Treats me right.
83. Who I can call Mr. Right.
84. Doesn't pick fights.
85. Wants marriage.
86. Is devoted.
87. Would never ask if we can have a threesome.
88. Doesn't see me as a piece of ass.
89. Who can be versatile.
90. Can be thankful for things.
91. Likes to take pictures.
92. Loves to make memory's, that will last a lifetime.
93. That makes me happy just being around.
94. Would pick me over anyone else.
95. Wants to travel the world with me.
96. Wants to start a family, and have kids.
97. Who will hug me tight and never let go.
98. Shows there emotions.
99. Will love me no matter what.
100. Can understand me.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

10 Things You Should Know About Me...

10 Things You Should Know About Me...

1. How I feel about you depends on how you feel about me. I'm serious too. If I feel like I am a bother, then I will think of you as someone that thinks their too good for me. If I feel like you really care, then I really trust you. And you get the point.

2. I hate people caught up in themselves. Life isn't all about you, or me, or any one person. You can't have everything you want, and so many people waste their lives trying to get it all. Put your effort into other people's lives too along with yours. You'll be happier. Adding on to that, don't demand something of me unless you can do it yourself. You get what you give now.

3. I'm not your average teenager. I think differently than a lot of people. It doesn't bother me though. I've never really fit in with my own age group, and I don't even understand my own age group. So many things they do embarrass me, and I'm not even them.

4. I want to be a part of your life. I feel like I'm just a screen name to most of you. I know I don't live where you do, but at least give me a chance to prove my friendship to you. If I want to be close to you, and you won't let me, I will eventually give up.

5. I strive only half way. I don't really want that much in life. I like average. I'm satisfied with just enough. I have too many examples of this. I like things just right, not perfect or inadequate.

6. The small things matter. I love odd special moments. I love the way someone says something, not what they say. I like when someone adds a touch on something that makes it look perfect. Small insignificant things people say. That sort of thing.

7. I don't let my circumstances control me. Whatever I've been through, whatever I go through, I will always survive. Nothing will ever keep me down. My will to live is too strong to let it happen.

8. I dislike people who bargain their friendships. "If you give me this I may give you that" If you're going to give me something or you want something from me ask and give out of love. I'm not a dog and I don't need to be given treats. Friendship and relationships involve giving and wanting and compromising but not bargaining. Do it from your heart.

9. I think more than I breathe. If I look straight past you, or don't seem to talk much, just know I'm busy thinking. I'm constantly planning out everything I do, every situation that could happen. I daydream a lot.

10. I don't care if we're alike. Everyone is different, and I want us all to be ourselves. If we don't have things in common, oh well. I'd rather our feelings about each other be mutual rather than our personalities.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Favorite Programming Quotes

The first 90 percent of the code accounts for the first 90 percent of the development time…The remaining 10 percent of the code accounts for the other 90 percent of the development time.
Tom Cargill

Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.
Larry Wall

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
Bill Gates

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
Brian W. Kernighan

Once a new technology starts rolling, if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road.
Stewart Brand

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Jan L. A. van de Snepscheut

The hardest part of design … is keeping features out.
Donald Norman

Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable.
Ralph Johnson

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Edsger Dijkstra

Software and cathedrals are much the same - first we build them, then we pray.
Anonymous Preacher

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we’ve finished building it.
Anonymous Consultant

The software isn’t finished until the last user is dead.
Anonymous Support Group Member

Better train people and risk they leave - than do nothing and risk they stay.
Anonymous Technical Trainer

Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
Anonymous Scientist

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
Anonymous Hack Actor

Bad code isn’t bad, its just misunderstood.
Anonymous Code Behaviorist

It is easier to measure something than to understand what you have measured.
Anonymous Analyst

The sooner you get behind in your work, the more time you have to catch up.
Anonymous Scheduler

When a programming language is created that allows programmers to program in simple English, it will be discovered that programmers cannot speak English.
Anonymous Linguist

Benchmarks don’t lie, but liars do benchmarks.
Anonymous Tester

Why do we never have time to do it right, but always have time to do it over?
Anonymous Code Monkey

Sunday, September 16, 2007

So here is my new slogan on life...
(I am going to put this on a T-Shirt)


Awww, don't be a quitter,
Be a Loser.


I know that I have not updated this in a long time,
there will be more to come shortly...

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

How's the whether in Hell?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

My Goals, so far...

I REALLY want to do this....
http://home.online.no/~arnedani/astronomy/astrophoto/eclipse/20030531/93-04to93-33and93-35.htm
The next chance is February 07, 2008 (hint)
http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclipse/OH/OH2008.html

Annular Solar Eclipse... it is in Antartica, with Umbral Eclipse in parts of Austrailia, and New Zealand
http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclipse/SEanimate/SE2001/SE2008Feb07A.GIF
AS WELL AS...
Total Solar Eclipse, August 01 2008... this one is in the Artic. Parts of northern Canada and Greenland will see some Umbral Eclpse http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclipse/SEanimate/SE2001/SE2008Aug01T.GIF
Reference Info: http://www.mreclipse.com/Special/SEprimer.html
and http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclipse/OH/OH2007.html

I never have seen one, Annular or Total, and I also REALLY want to visit the poles. Because I think a person should. It's funny how this is all lining up. I am in complete awe. And I don't think I have ever really had goals in my life before. I mean, I'm sure I did, just nothing that ever excited me. I am begining to realize that I need at least a few. Lots of free time sure allows someone to think.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Things People Said...

Courtroom Quotations

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
• Witness: "I only have one, you know."

• Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
• Witness: "By death."
• Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

• Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

• Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
• Witness: "July 15th."
• Lawyer: "What year?"
• Witness: "Every year."

• Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
• Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
• Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
• Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
• Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
• Witness: "'Winchester'!"

• Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
• Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

• Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
• Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
• Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
• Witness: "Er...his face."

• Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
• Witness: "I forget."
• Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

• Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
• Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
• Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
• Witness: "Forty-five years."

• Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
• Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
• Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
• Witness: "My name is Susan."

• Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
• Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

• Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
• Witness: "After the accident?"
• Lawyer: "Before the accident."
• Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

• Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
• Witness: "Yes, sir."
• Lawyer: "What did she say?"
• Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

• Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
• Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
• Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
• Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

• Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

• Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
• Officer: "Yes, I do."
• Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
• Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

• Lawyer: "What happened then?"
• Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
• Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
• Witness: "No."

• Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
• Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

• Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

• Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

• Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

• Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

• Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

• Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
• Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

• Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
• Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
• Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

• Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
• Witness: "That's me."
• Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

• Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

• Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
• Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
• Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

• Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
• Witness: "Four times."

• Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

• Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
• Witness: "None."
• Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

• Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

• Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

• Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
• Witness: "Not yet."

• Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

• Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
• Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
• Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

• Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
• Witness: "Borofkin."
• Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
• Witness: "I can't remember."
• Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
• Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
• Witness: "No."

• Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
• Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

• Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
• Witness: "Fair."

• Lawyer: "Are you married?"
• Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
• Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
• Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

• Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
• Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

• Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
• Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

• Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
• Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

• Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
• Witness: "Yes sir."
• Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

• Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
• Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

• The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

• Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
• Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
• Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
• Witness: "Attached to the ears."

• Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
• Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

• Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
• Witness: "Oral."
• Lawyer: "How old are you?"
• Witness: "Oral."

• Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
• Witness: "She is my daughter."
• Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

• Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

• Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

• Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
• Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
• Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

• Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
• Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

• Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
• Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
• Lawyer: "It was covered?"
• Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
• Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
• Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

• Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
• Witness: "I could see his head."
• Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
• Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

• Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
• Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

• Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
• Witness: "The victim lived."

• Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
• Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

• Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
• Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

Express Yourself...

Some Commonly Mixed-up Expressions:

* "Water under the dam." -- A television news reporter, referring to the Clinton/Gore campaign fundraising issue.

* "Water over the bridge."

* "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it."

* "Your heart is the lifeblood of your body." -- From a radio commercial.

* "Let's nip this in the butt."

* "Let's nibble this in the butt."

* "Don't eat with your mouth full!"

* "I'm not going to let this guy shine on my parade."

* "He's disgusting. He smokes like a fish!"

* "We're killing two birds for the price of one."

* "If it had legs it would have bit you."

* "You'll know it like the back of your head."

* "You can barely see your face in front of your hand!"

* "That's the way the crumble cookies."

* "I don't want to sound like a dead horse."

* "Let's take a wild stab in the back."

* "Around here, it's always feast or phantom." -- A waitress, when it was pointed out that the restaurant was not very busy.

* "If you could get it working I'd be internally grateful." -- From email sent to a web site administrator (no, not the administrator of this one).

* "This is the piece of the puzzle that allows you to paint in the rest of the pie." -- A salesperson, describing a new telephony service.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Some Facts About Our Human World

Some Facts About Our Human World

The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.

When Albert Einstein died, his final words died with him. The nurse at his side didn't understand German.

St Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was not Irish.

The lance ceased to be an official battle weapon in the British Army in 1927.

St. John was the only one of the 12 Apostles to die a natural death.

Gabriel, Michael and Lucifer (more commonly known as Satan) are the only 3 angels to be named in the bible.
According to Genesis all demons are angels who were cast out of heaven after Lucifer tried to take God's throne and several of the other angels bowed down and worshiped him.

Many sailors used to wear gold earrings so that they could afford a proper burial when they died.

Some very Orthodox Jew refuse to speak Hebrew, believing it to be a language reserved only for the Prophets.

A South African monkey was once awarded a medal and promoted to the rank of corporal during World War I.

Born 4 January 1838, General Tom Thumb's growth slowed at the age of 6 months, at 5 years he was signed to the circus by P.T. Barnum, and at adulthood reached a height of only 1 metre.

Because they had no proper rubbish disposal system, the streets of ancient Mesopotamia became literally knee-deep in rubbish.

The Toltecs, Seventh-century native Mexicans, went into battle with wooden swords so as not to kill their enemies.

China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism.

The Amayra guides of Bolivia are said to be able to keep pace with a trotting horse for a distance of 100 kilometres.

Sliced bread was patented by a jeweller, Otto Rohwedder, in 1928. He had been working on it for 16 years, having started in 1912.

Before it was stopped by the British, it was the not uncommon for women in some area's of India to choose to be burnt alive on their husband's funeral pyre.

Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'.

Before the Second World War, it was considered a sacrilege to even touch an Emperor of Japan.

An American aircraft in Vietnam shot itself down with one of its own missiles.

The Anglo-Saxons believed Friday to be such an unlucky day that they ritually slaughtered any child unfortunate enough to be born on that day.

During the eighteenth century, laws had to be brought in to curb the seemingly insatiable appetite for gin amongst the poor. Their annual intake was as much as five million gallons.

Ancient drinkers warded off the devil by clinking their cups

The Nobel Prize resulted form a late change in the will of Alfred Nobel, who did not want to be remembered after his death as a propagator of violence - he invented dynamite.

The cost of the first pay-toilets installed in England was tuppence.

Pogonophobia is the fear of beards.

In 1647 the English Parliament abolished Christmas.

Mao Rse-Tang, the first chairman of the Chinese Communist Party, was born 26 December 1893. Before his rise to power, he occupied the humble position of Assistant Librarian at the University of Peking.

Coffee is the second largest item of international commerce in the world. The largest is petrol.

King George III was declared violently insane in 1811, 9 years before he died.

In Ancient Peru, when a woman found an 'ugly' potato, it was the custom for her to push it into the face of the nearest man.

For Roman Catholics, 5 January is St Simeon Stylites' Day. He was a fifth-century hermit who showed his devotion to God by spending literally years sitting on top of a huge flagpole.

When George I became King of England in 1714, his wife did not become Queen. He placed her under house arrest for 32 years.

The richest 10 per cent of the French people are approximately fifty times better off than the poorest 10 per cent.

Henry VII was the only British King to be crowned on the field of battle

During World War One, the future Pope John XXIII was a sergeant in the Italian Army.

Richard II died aged 33 in 1400. A hole was left in the side of his tomb so people could touch his royal head, but 376 years later some took advantage of this and stole his jawbone.

The magic word "Abracadabra" was originally intended for the specific purpose of curing hay fever.

The Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas Carols, judging them to be out of keeping with the true spirit of Christmas.

Albert Einstein was once offered the Presidency of Israel. He declined saying he had no head for problems.

Uri Geller, the professional psychic was born on December 20 1946. As to the origin of his alleged powers, Mr Geller maintains that they come from the distant planet of Hoova.

Ralph and Carolyn Cummins had 5 children between 1952 and 1966, all were born on the 20 February.

John D. Rockefeller gave away over US$ 500,000,000 during his lifetime.

Only 1 child in 20 are born on the day predicted by the doctor.

In the 1970's, the Rhode Island Legislature in the US entertained a proposal that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse in the State.

Widows in equatorial Africa actually wear sackcloth and ashes when attending a funeral.

The 'Hundred Years War' lasted 116 years.

The British did not release the body of Napoleon Bonaparte to the French until twenty days after his death.

Admiral Lord Nelson was less than 1.6 metres tall.

John Glenn, the American who first orbited the Earth, was showered with 3,529 tonnes of ticker tape when he got back.

Native American Indians used to name their children after the first thing they saw as they left their tepees subsequent to the birth. Hence such strange names as Sitting Bull and Running Water.

Catherine the First of Russia, made a rule that no man was allowed to get drunk at one of her parties before nine o'clock.

Queen Elizabeth I passed a law which forced everyone except for the rich to wear a flat cap on Sundays.

In 1969 the shares of the Australian company 'Poseidon' were worth $1, one year later they were worth $280 each.

Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover the onset of baldness.

Ernest Bevin, Minister of Labour during World War II, left school at the age of eleven.

At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing suicide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window.

It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary.

The Turk's consider it considered unlucky to step on a piece of bread.

The authorities do not allow tourists to take pictures of Pygmies in Zambia.

The Dutch in general prefer their french fries with mayonnaise.

Upon the death of F.D. Roosevelt, Harry S Truman became the President of America on 12 April 1945. The initial S in the middle of his name doesn't in fact mean anything. Both his grandfathers had names beginning with 'S', and so Truman's mother didn't want to disappoint either of them.

Sir Isaac Newton was obsessed with the occult and the supernatural.

One of Queen Victoria's wedding gifts was a 3 metre diameter, half tonne cheese.

Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never phoned his wife or his mother, they were both deaf.

It was considered unfashionable for Venetian women, during the Renaissance to have anything but silvery-blonde hair.

Queen Victoria was one of the first women ever to use chloroform to combat pain during childbirth.

Peter the Great had the head of his wife's lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.

The car manufacturer Henry Ford was awarded Hitler's Grand Cross of the Supreme Order of the German Eagle. Henry Ford was the inventor of the assembly line, and Hitler used this knowledge of the assembly line to speed up production, and to create better and interchangeable products.

Atilla the Hun is thought to have been a dwarf.

The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears.

On 15 April 1912 the SS Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage and over 1,500 people died. Fourteen years earlier a novel was published by Morgan Robertson which seemed to foretell the disaster. The book described a ship the same size as the Titanic which crashes into an iceberg on its maiden voyage on a misty April night. The name of Robertson's fictional ship was the Titan.

There are over 200 religious denominations in the United States.

Eau de Cologne was originally marketed as a way of protecting yourself against the plague.

Charles the Simple was the grandson of Charles the Bald, both were rulers of France.

Theodor Herzi, the Zionist leader who was born on May 2 1860, once had the astonishing idea of converting Jews to Christianity as a way of combating anti-Semitism.

The women of an African tribe make themselves more attractive by permanently scaring their faces.

Augustus II, the Elector of Saxony and King of Poland seemed to have a prodigious sexual appetite, and fathered hundreds of illegitimate children during his lifetime.

Some moral purists in the Middle Ages believed that women's ears ought to be covered up because the Virgin May had conceived a child through them.

Hindus don't like dying in bed, they prefer to die beside a river.

While at Havard University, Edward Kennedy was suspended for cheating on a Spanish exam.

It is a criminal offence to drive around in a dirty car in Russia.

The Emperor Caligula once decided to go to war with the Roman God of the sea, Poseidon, and ordered his soldiers to throw their spears into the water at random.

The Ecuadorian poet, José Olmedo, has a statue in his honour in his home country. But, unable to commission a sculptor, due to limited funds, the government brought a second-hand statue .. Of the English poet Lord Byron.

In 1726, at only 7 years old, Charles Sauson inherited the post of official executioner.

Sir Winston Churchill rationed himself to 15 cigars a day.

On 7 January 1904 the distress call 'CQD' was introduced. 'CQ' stood for 'Seek You' and 'D' for 'Danger'. This lasted only until 1906 when it was replaced with 'SOS'.

Though it is forbidden by the Government, many Indians still adhere to the caste system which says that it is a defilement for even the shadow of a person from a lowly caste to fall on a Braham ( a member of the highest priestly caste).

In parts of Malaya, the women keep harems of men.

The childrens' nursery rhyme 'Ring-a-Ring-a-Roses' actually refers to the Black Death which killed about 30 million people in the fourteenth-century.

The word 'denim' comes from 'de Nimes', Nimes being the town the fabric was originally produced.

During the reign of Elizabeth I, there was a tax put on men's beards.

Idi Amin, one of the most ruthless tyrants in the world, before coming to power, served in the British Army.

Some Eskimos have been known to use refrigerators to keep their food from freezing.

It is illegal to play tennis in the streets of Cambridge.

Custer was the youngest General in US history, he was promoted at the age of 23.

It costs more to send someone to reform school than it does to send them to Eton.

The American pilot Charles Lindbergh received the Service Cross of the German Eagle form Hermann Goering in 1938.

The active ingredient in Chinese Bird's nest soup is saliva.

Marie Currie, who twice won the Nobel Prize, and discovered radium, was not allowed to become a member of the prestigious French Academy because she was a woman.

It was quite common for the men of Ancient Greece to exercise in public .. naked.

John Paul Getty, once the richest man in the world, had a payphone in his mansion.

Iceland is the world's oldest functioning democracy.

Adolf Eichmann (responsible for countless Jewish deaths during World war II), was originally a travelling salesman for the Vacuum Oil Co. of Austria.

The national flag of Italy was designed by Napoleon Bonaparte.

The Matami Tribe of West Africa play a version of football, the only difference being that they use a human skull instead of a more normal ball.

John Winthrop introduced the fork to the American dinner table for the first time on 25 June 1630.

Elizabeth Blackwell, born in Bristol, England on 3 February 1821, was the first woman in America to gain an M.D. degree.

Abraham Lincoln was shot with a Derringer.

The great Russian leader, Lenin died 21 January 1924, suffering from a degenerative brain disorder. At the time of his death his brain was a quarter of its normal size.

When shipped to the US, the London bridge ( thought by the new owner to be the more famous Tower Bridge ) was classified by US customs to be a 'large antique'.

Sir Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' cloakroom after his mother went into labour during a dance at Blenheim Palace.

In 1849, David Atchison became President of the United States for just one day, and he spent most of the day sleeping.

Between the two World War's, France was controlled by forty different governments.

The 'Crystal Palace' at the Great Exhibition of 1851, contained 92 900 square metres of glass.

It was the custom in Ancient Rome for the men to place their right hand on their testicles when taking an oath. The modern term 'testimony' is derived from this tradition.

Sir Winston Churchill's mother was descended from a Red Indian.

The study of stupidity is called 'monology'.

Hindu men believe(d) it to be unluckily to marry a third time. They could avoid misfortune by marring a tree first. The tree ( his third wife ) was then burnt, freeing him to marry again.

More money is spent each year on alcohol and cigarettes than on Life insurance.

In 1911 3 men were hung for the murder of Sir Edmund Berry at Greenbury Hill, their last names were Green, Berry , and Hill.

A firm in Britain sold fall-out shelters for pets.

During the seventeen century , the Sultan of Turkey ordered his entire harem of women drowned, and replace with a new one.

Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill 'if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee'. His reply …' if you were my wife, I would drink it ! '.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos.

The Great Pyramid of Giza consists of 2,300,000 blocks each weighing 2.5 tons.

On 9 February 1942, soap rationing began in Britain.

Paul Revere was a dentist.

The Budget speech on April 17 1956 saw the introduction of Premium Savings Bonds into Britain. The machine which picks the winning numbers is called "Ernie", an abbreviation, which stands for' electronic random number indicator equipment'.

Chop-suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was created in California by Chinese immigrants.

The Russian mystic, Rasputin, was the victim of a series of murder attempts on this day in 1916. The assassins poisoned, shot and stabbed him in quick succession, but they found they were unable to finish him off. Rasputin finally succumbed to the ice-cold waters of a river.

Bonnie Prince Charlie, the leader of the Jacobite rebellion to depose of George II of England, was born 31 December 1720. Considered a great Scottish hero, he spent his final years as a drunkard in Rome.

The Liberal Prime Minister, William Gladstone, was born of the 29th December 1809. Apparently, as a result of his strong Puritan impulses, Gladstone kept a selection of whips in his cellar with which he regularly chastised himself.

A parthenophobic has a fear of virgins.

South American gauchos were known to put raw steak under their saddles before starting a day's riding, in order to tenderise the meat.

There are 240 white dots in a Pacman arcade game.

In 1939 the US political party 'The American Nazi Party' had 200,000 members.

King Solomon of Israel had about 700 wives as well as hundreds of mistresses.

Urine was once used to wash clothes.

North American Indian, Sitting Bull, died on 15 December 1890. His bones were laid to rest in North Dakota, but a business group wanted him moved to a 'more natural' site in South Dakota. Their campaign was rejected so they stole the bones, and they now reside in Sitting Bull Park, South Dakota.

St Nicholas, the original Father Christmas, is the patron saint of thieves, virgins and communist Russia.

Dublin is home of the Fairy Investigation Society.

Fourteen million people were killed in World War I, twenty million died in a flu epidemic in the years that followed.

People in Siberia often buy milk frozen on a stick.

Princess Ann was the only competitor at the 1976 Montreal Olympics that did not have to undergo a sex test.

Ethelred the Unready, King of England in the Tenth-century, spent his wedding night in bed with his wife and his mother-in-law.

Coffins which are due for cremation are usually made with plastic handles.

Blackbird, who was the chief of Omaha Indians, was buried sitting on his favourite horse.

The two highest IQ's ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women.

The Tory Prime Minister, Benjamin Disreali, was born 21 December 1804. He was noted for his oratory and had a number of memorable exchanges in the House with his great rival William Gladstone. Asked what the difference between a calamity and a misfortune was Disreali replied: 'If Gladstone fell into the Thames it would be a misfortune, but if someone pulled him out again, it would be a calamity'.

The Imperial Throne of Japan has been occupied by the same family for the last thirteen hundred years.

In the seventeenth-century a Boston man was sentenced to two hours in the stocks for obscene behaviour, his crime, kissing his wife in a public place on a Sunday.

President Kaunda of Zambia once threatened to resign if his fellow countrymen didn't stop drinking so much alcohol.

Due to staggering inflation in the 1920's, 4,000,000,000,000,000,000 German marks were worth 1 US dollar.

Gorgias of Epirus was born during preparation of his mothers funeral.

The city of New York contains a district called 'Hell's Kitchen'.

The city of Hiroshima left the Industrial Promotion Centre standing as a monument the atomic bombing.

During the Medieval Crusades, transporting bodies off the battlefield for burial was a major problem, this was solved by carrying a huge cauldron into the Holy wars, boiling down the bodies, and taking only the bones with them.

A ten-gallon hat holds three-quarters of a gallon.

George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.