Things People Said...

Courtroom Quotations

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
• Witness: "I only have one, you know."

• Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
• Witness: "By death."
• Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

• Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

• Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
• Witness: "July 15th."
• Lawyer: "What year?"
• Witness: "Every year."

• Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
• Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
• Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
• Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
• Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
• Witness: "'Winchester'!"

• Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
• Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

• Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
• Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
• Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
• Witness: "Er...his face."

• Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
• Witness: "I forget."
• Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

• Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
• Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
• Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
• Witness: "Forty-five years."

• Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
• Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
• Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
• Witness: "My name is Susan."

• Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
• Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

• Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
• Witness: "After the accident?"
• Lawyer: "Before the accident."
• Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

• Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
• Witness: "Yes, sir."
• Lawyer: "What did she say?"
• Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

• Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
• Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
• Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
• Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

• Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

• Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
• Officer: "Yes, I do."
• Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
• Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

• Lawyer: "What happened then?"
• Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
• Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
• Witness: "No."

• Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
• Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

• Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

• Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

• Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

• Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

• Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

• Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
• Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

• Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
• Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
• Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

• Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
• Witness: "That's me."
• Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

• Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

• Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
• Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
• Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

• Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
• Witness: "Four times."

• Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

• Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
• Witness: "None."
• Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

• Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

• Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

• Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
• Witness: "Not yet."

• Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

• Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
• Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
• Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

• Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
• Witness: "Borofkin."
• Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
• Witness: "I can't remember."
• Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
• Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
• Witness: "No."

• Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
• Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

• Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
• Witness: "Fair."

• Lawyer: "Are you married?"
• Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
• Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
• Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

• Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
• Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

• Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
• Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

• Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
• Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

• Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
• Witness: "Yes sir."
• Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

• Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
• Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

• The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

• Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
• Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
• Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
• Witness: "Attached to the ears."

• Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
• Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

• Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
• Witness: "Oral."
• Lawyer: "How old are you?"
• Witness: "Oral."

• Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
• Witness: "She is my daughter."
• Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

• Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

• Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

• Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
• Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
• Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

• Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
• Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

• Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
• Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
• Lawyer: "It was covered?"
• Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
• Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
• Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

• Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
• Witness: "I could see his head."
• Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
• Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

• Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
• Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

• Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
• Witness: "The victim lived."

• Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
• Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

• Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
• Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

Express Yourself...

Some Commonly Mixed-up Expressions:

* "Water under the dam." -- A television news reporter, referring to the Clinton/Gore campaign fundraising issue.

* "Water over the bridge."

* "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it."

* "Your heart is the lifeblood of your body." -- From a radio commercial.

* "Let's nip this in the butt."

* "Let's nibble this in the butt."

* "Don't eat with your mouth full!"

* "I'm not going to let this guy shine on my parade."

* "He's disgusting. He smokes like a fish!"

* "We're killing two birds for the price of one."

* "If it had legs it would have bit you."

* "You'll know it like the back of your head."

* "You can barely see your face in front of your hand!"

* "That's the way the crumble cookies."

* "I don't want to sound like a dead horse."

* "Let's take a wild stab in the back."

* "Around here, it's always feast or phantom." -- A waitress, when it was pointed out that the restaurant was not very busy.

* "If you could get it working I'd be internally grateful." -- From email sent to a web site administrator (no, not the administrator of this one).

* "This is the piece of the puzzle that allows you to paint in the rest of the pie." -- A salesperson, describing a new telephony service.

Some Facts About Our Human World

Some Facts About Our Human World

The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.

When Albert Einstein died, his final words died with him. The nurse at his side didn't understand German.

St Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was not Irish.

The lance ceased to be an official battle weapon in the British Army in 1927.

St. John was the only one of the 12 Apostles to die a natural death.

Gabriel, Michael and Lucifer (more commonly known as Satan) are the only 3 angels to be named in the bible.
According to Genesis all demons are angels who were cast out of heaven after Lucifer tried to take God's throne and several of the other angels bowed down and worshiped him.

Many sailors used to wear gold earrings so that they could afford a proper burial when they died.

Some very Orthodox Jew refuse to speak Hebrew, believing it to be a language reserved only for the Prophets.

A South African monkey was once awarded a medal and promoted to the rank of corporal during World War I.

Born 4 January 1838, General Tom Thumb's growth slowed at the age of 6 months, at 5 years he was signed to the circus by P.T. Barnum, and at adulthood reached a height of only 1 metre.

Because they had no proper rubbish disposal system, the streets of ancient Mesopotamia became literally knee-deep in rubbish.

The Toltecs, Seventh-century native Mexicans, went into battle with wooden swords so as not to kill their enemies.

China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism.

The Amayra guides of Bolivia are said to be able to keep pace with a trotting horse for a distance of 100 kilometres.

Sliced bread was patented by a jeweller, Otto Rohwedder, in 1928. He had been working on it for 16 years, having started in 1912.

Before it was stopped by the British, it was the not uncommon for women in some area's of India to choose to be burnt alive on their husband's funeral pyre.

Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'.

Before the Second World War, it was considered a sacrilege to even touch an Emperor of Japan.

An American aircraft in Vietnam shot itself down with one of its own missiles.

The Anglo-Saxons believed Friday to be such an unlucky day that they ritually slaughtered any child unfortunate enough to be born on that day.

During the eighteenth century, laws had to be brought in to curb the seemingly insatiable appetite for gin amongst the poor. Their annual intake was as much as five million gallons.

Ancient drinkers warded off the devil by clinking their cups

The Nobel Prize resulted form a late change in the will of Alfred Nobel, who did not want to be remembered after his death as a propagator of violence - he invented dynamite.

The cost of the first pay-toilets installed in England was tuppence.

Pogonophobia is the fear of beards.

In 1647 the English Parliament abolished Christmas.

Mao Rse-Tang, the first chairman of the Chinese Communist Party, was born 26 December 1893. Before his rise to power, he occupied the humble position of Assistant Librarian at the University of Peking.

Coffee is the second largest item of international commerce in the world. The largest is petrol.

King George III was declared violently insane in 1811, 9 years before he died.

In Ancient Peru, when a woman found an 'ugly' potato, it was the custom for her to push it into the face of the nearest man.

For Roman Catholics, 5 January is St Simeon Stylites' Day. He was a fifth-century hermit who showed his devotion to God by spending literally years sitting on top of a huge flagpole.

When George I became King of England in 1714, his wife did not become Queen. He placed her under house arrest for 32 years.

The richest 10 per cent of the French people are approximately fifty times better off than the poorest 10 per cent.

Henry VII was the only British King to be crowned on the field of battle

During World War One, the future Pope John XXIII was a sergeant in the Italian Army.

Richard II died aged 33 in 1400. A hole was left in the side of his tomb so people could touch his royal head, but 376 years later some took advantage of this and stole his jawbone.

The magic word "Abracadabra" was originally intended for the specific purpose of curing hay fever.

The Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas Carols, judging them to be out of keeping with the true spirit of Christmas.

Albert Einstein was once offered the Presidency of Israel. He declined saying he had no head for problems.

Uri Geller, the professional psychic was born on December 20 1946. As to the origin of his alleged powers, Mr Geller maintains that they come from the distant planet of Hoova.

Ralph and Carolyn Cummins had 5 children between 1952 and 1966, all were born on the 20 February.

John D. Rockefeller gave away over US$ 500,000,000 during his lifetime.

Only 1 child in 20 are born on the day predicted by the doctor.

In the 1970's, the Rhode Island Legislature in the US entertained a proposal that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse in the State.

Widows in equatorial Africa actually wear sackcloth and ashes when attending a funeral.

The 'Hundred Years War' lasted 116 years.

The British did not release the body of Napoleon Bonaparte to the French until twenty days after his death.

Admiral Lord Nelson was less than 1.6 metres tall.

John Glenn, the American who first orbited the Earth, was showered with 3,529 tonnes of ticker tape when he got back.

Native American Indians used to name their children after the first thing they saw as they left their tepees subsequent to the birth. Hence such strange names as Sitting Bull and Running Water.

Catherine the First of Russia, made a rule that no man was allowed to get drunk at one of her parties before nine o'clock.

Queen Elizabeth I passed a law which forced everyone except for the rich to wear a flat cap on Sundays.

In 1969 the shares of the Australian company 'Poseidon' were worth $1, one year later they were worth $280 each.

Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover the onset of baldness.

Ernest Bevin, Minister of Labour during World War II, left school at the age of eleven.

At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing suicide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window.

It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary.

The Turk's consider it considered unlucky to step on a piece of bread.

The authorities do not allow tourists to take pictures of Pygmies in Zambia.

The Dutch in general prefer their french fries with mayonnaise.

Upon the death of F.D. Roosevelt, Harry S Truman became the President of America on 12 April 1945. The initial S in the middle of his name doesn't in fact mean anything. Both his grandfathers had names beginning with 'S', and so Truman's mother didn't want to disappoint either of them.

Sir Isaac Newton was obsessed with the occult and the supernatural.

One of Queen Victoria's wedding gifts was a 3 metre diameter, half tonne cheese.

Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never phoned his wife or his mother, they were both deaf.

It was considered unfashionable for Venetian women, during the Renaissance to have anything but silvery-blonde hair.

Queen Victoria was one of the first women ever to use chloroform to combat pain during childbirth.

Peter the Great had the head of his wife's lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.

The car manufacturer Henry Ford was awarded Hitler's Grand Cross of the Supreme Order of the German Eagle. Henry Ford was the inventor of the assembly line, and Hitler used this knowledge of the assembly line to speed up production, and to create better and interchangeable products.

Atilla the Hun is thought to have been a dwarf.

The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears.

On 15 April 1912 the SS Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage and over 1,500 people died. Fourteen years earlier a novel was published by Morgan Robertson which seemed to foretell the disaster. The book described a ship the same size as the Titanic which crashes into an iceberg on its maiden voyage on a misty April night. The name of Robertson's fictional ship was the Titan.

There are over 200 religious denominations in the United States.

Eau de Cologne was originally marketed as a way of protecting yourself against the plague.

Charles the Simple was the grandson of Charles the Bald, both were rulers of France.

Theodor Herzi, the Zionist leader who was born on May 2 1860, once had the astonishing idea of converting Jews to Christianity as a way of combating anti-Semitism.

The women of an African tribe make themselves more attractive by permanently scaring their faces.

Augustus II, the Elector of Saxony and King of Poland seemed to have a prodigious sexual appetite, and fathered hundreds of illegitimate children during his lifetime.

Some moral purists in the Middle Ages believed that women's ears ought to be covered up because the Virgin May had conceived a child through them.

Hindus don't like dying in bed, they prefer to die beside a river.

While at Havard University, Edward Kennedy was suspended for cheating on a Spanish exam.

It is a criminal offence to drive around in a dirty car in Russia.

The Emperor Caligula once decided to go to war with the Roman God of the sea, Poseidon, and ordered his soldiers to throw their spears into the water at random.

The Ecuadorian poet, José Olmedo, has a statue in his honour in his home country. But, unable to commission a sculptor, due to limited funds, the government brought a second-hand statue .. Of the English poet Lord Byron.

In 1726, at only 7 years old, Charles Sauson inherited the post of official executioner.

Sir Winston Churchill rationed himself to 15 cigars a day.

On 7 January 1904 the distress call 'CQD' was introduced. 'CQ' stood for 'Seek You' and 'D' for 'Danger'. This lasted only until 1906 when it was replaced with 'SOS'.

Though it is forbidden by the Government, many Indians still adhere to the caste system which says that it is a defilement for even the shadow of a person from a lowly caste to fall on a Braham ( a member of the highest priestly caste).

In parts of Malaya, the women keep harems of men.

The childrens' nursery rhyme 'Ring-a-Ring-a-Roses' actually refers to the Black Death which killed about 30 million people in the fourteenth-century.

The word 'denim' comes from 'de Nimes', Nimes being the town the fabric was originally produced.

During the reign of Elizabeth I, there was a tax put on men's beards.

Idi Amin, one of the most ruthless tyrants in the world, before coming to power, served in the British Army.

Some Eskimos have been known to use refrigerators to keep their food from freezing.

It is illegal to play tennis in the streets of Cambridge.

Custer was the youngest General in US history, he was promoted at the age of 23.

It costs more to send someone to reform school than it does to send them to Eton.

The American pilot Charles Lindbergh received the Service Cross of the German Eagle form Hermann Goering in 1938.

The active ingredient in Chinese Bird's nest soup is saliva.

Marie Currie, who twice won the Nobel Prize, and discovered radium, was not allowed to become a member of the prestigious French Academy because she was a woman.

It was quite common for the men of Ancient Greece to exercise in public .. naked.

John Paul Getty, once the richest man in the world, had a payphone in his mansion.

Iceland is the world's oldest functioning democracy.

Adolf Eichmann (responsible for countless Jewish deaths during World war II), was originally a travelling salesman for the Vacuum Oil Co. of Austria.

The national flag of Italy was designed by Napoleon Bonaparte.

The Matami Tribe of West Africa play a version of football, the only difference being that they use a human skull instead of a more normal ball.

John Winthrop introduced the fork to the American dinner table for the first time on 25 June 1630.

Elizabeth Blackwell, born in Bristol, England on 3 February 1821, was the first woman in America to gain an M.D. degree.

Abraham Lincoln was shot with a Derringer.

The great Russian leader, Lenin died 21 January 1924, suffering from a degenerative brain disorder. At the time of his death his brain was a quarter of its normal size.

When shipped to the US, the London bridge ( thought by the new owner to be the more famous Tower Bridge ) was classified by US customs to be a 'large antique'.

Sir Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' cloakroom after his mother went into labour during a dance at Blenheim Palace.

In 1849, David Atchison became President of the United States for just one day, and he spent most of the day sleeping.

Between the two World War's, France was controlled by forty different governments.

The 'Crystal Palace' at the Great Exhibition of 1851, contained 92 900 square metres of glass.

It was the custom in Ancient Rome for the men to place their right hand on their testicles when taking an oath. The modern term 'testimony' is derived from this tradition.

Sir Winston Churchill's mother was descended from a Red Indian.

The study of stupidity is called 'monology'.

Hindu men believe(d) it to be unluckily to marry a third time. They could avoid misfortune by marring a tree first. The tree ( his third wife ) was then burnt, freeing him to marry again.

More money is spent each year on alcohol and cigarettes than on Life insurance.

In 1911 3 men were hung for the murder of Sir Edmund Berry at Greenbury Hill, their last names were Green, Berry , and Hill.

A firm in Britain sold fall-out shelters for pets.

During the seventeen century , the Sultan of Turkey ordered his entire harem of women drowned, and replace with a new one.

Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill 'if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee'. His reply …' if you were my wife, I would drink it ! '.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos.

The Great Pyramid of Giza consists of 2,300,000 blocks each weighing 2.5 tons.

On 9 February 1942, soap rationing began in Britain.

Paul Revere was a dentist.

The Budget speech on April 17 1956 saw the introduction of Premium Savings Bonds into Britain. The machine which picks the winning numbers is called "Ernie", an abbreviation, which stands for' electronic random number indicator equipment'.

Chop-suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was created in California by Chinese immigrants.

The Russian mystic, Rasputin, was the victim of a series of murder attempts on this day in 1916. The assassins poisoned, shot and stabbed him in quick succession, but they found they were unable to finish him off. Rasputin finally succumbed to the ice-cold waters of a river.

Bonnie Prince Charlie, the leader of the Jacobite rebellion to depose of George II of England, was born 31 December 1720. Considered a great Scottish hero, he spent his final years as a drunkard in Rome.

The Liberal Prime Minister, William Gladstone, was born of the 29th December 1809. Apparently, as a result of his strong Puritan impulses, Gladstone kept a selection of whips in his cellar with which he regularly chastised himself.

A parthenophobic has a fear of virgins.

South American gauchos were known to put raw steak under their saddles before starting a day's riding, in order to tenderise the meat.

There are 240 white dots in a Pacman arcade game.

In 1939 the US political party 'The American Nazi Party' had 200,000 members.

King Solomon of Israel had about 700 wives as well as hundreds of mistresses.

Urine was once used to wash clothes.

North American Indian, Sitting Bull, died on 15 December 1890. His bones were laid to rest in North Dakota, but a business group wanted him moved to a 'more natural' site in South Dakota. Their campaign was rejected so they stole the bones, and they now reside in Sitting Bull Park, South Dakota.

St Nicholas, the original Father Christmas, is the patron saint of thieves, virgins and communist Russia.

Dublin is home of the Fairy Investigation Society.

Fourteen million people were killed in World War I, twenty million died in a flu epidemic in the years that followed.

People in Siberia often buy milk frozen on a stick.

Princess Ann was the only competitor at the 1976 Montreal Olympics that did not have to undergo a sex test.

Ethelred the Unready, King of England in the Tenth-century, spent his wedding night in bed with his wife and his mother-in-law.

Coffins which are due for cremation are usually made with plastic handles.

Blackbird, who was the chief of Omaha Indians, was buried sitting on his favourite horse.

The two highest IQ's ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women.

The Tory Prime Minister, Benjamin Disreali, was born 21 December 1804. He was noted for his oratory and had a number of memorable exchanges in the House with his great rival William Gladstone. Asked what the difference between a calamity and a misfortune was Disreali replied: 'If Gladstone fell into the Thames it would be a misfortune, but if someone pulled him out again, it would be a calamity'.

The Imperial Throne of Japan has been occupied by the same family for the last thirteen hundred years.

In the seventeenth-century a Boston man was sentenced to two hours in the stocks for obscene behaviour, his crime, kissing his wife in a public place on a Sunday.

President Kaunda of Zambia once threatened to resign if his fellow countrymen didn't stop drinking so much alcohol.

Due to staggering inflation in the 1920's, 4,000,000,000,000,000,000 German marks were worth 1 US dollar.

Gorgias of Epirus was born during preparation of his mothers funeral.

The city of New York contains a district called 'Hell's Kitchen'.

The city of Hiroshima left the Industrial Promotion Centre standing as a monument the atomic bombing.

During the Medieval Crusades, transporting bodies off the battlefield for burial was a major problem, this was solved by carrying a huge cauldron into the Holy wars, boiling down the bodies, and taking only the bones with them.

A ten-gallon hat holds three-quarters of a gallon.

George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.

Know what you are talking about... please (or at least don't make it sound almighty)

Wow. This was truly great. I love when someone can throw it back just as well, if not better, said. I am not Jewish, so I have not read these books talked about here, but still funny. This was taken from the Humanists of Utah website.

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Ennie, Meenie, Minnie, Moe...

Yes, that's right, folks...

I have a job, as I am sure you have heard. I was hired at Michael's Arts and Crafts in Apple Valley, on Monday. I start work there this Sunday, 7 am till 3:30 pm. It's a Supervisor position, so I will be able to move up to management rather quickly with all my previous experience. It's not as much in the way of wage as I would have liked, $10.25 less than 90 days, $10.50 thereafter, but it is more then I am currently making sitting at home.

Also.... Today I had another interview with a company called ACS, in Eden Prairie, they are outsourced to places like Expedia, Orbits, Sprint, and NWA Online. The position was for the NWA client. They handle all the inbound calls regarding reservations, ticket orders and general problems with the website. After filling out essentially the new hire paper work I was interviewed, the whole thing took an hour and a half. Needless to say, I was offered the position. The wage structure here is a commission based one. I will make a base of $10.50 during training and up to 6 months after, during which I am able to increase my earnings based on the number of calls I make and emails I send. After the 6 months, the base goes away and its solely commission. $1.25 per call, emails are less, to start. Call quality will also incerase this amount on increments of 25%.

Training for the next class was to begin on March 26th, and I am starting at Michael's on the 18th. So, a bit of a dilemma here. There is another class after this one, on April 16th. So I asked to be put into that one instead. That should give me time to pull together some income and see if I like the job, and decide if I will continue to keep the arrangement with ACS or with Michael's.

The other aspect of my dilemma are the hours... Michael's is, for the majority, 7 am - 3:30 pm, Sunday - Friday, with Wednesdays and Saturdays off (Thurs till 4:30 and Fridays, 1 - close). While ACS Training is from 2 pm - 10:30 pm, Monday - Friday, for four weeks, and a 2nd shift of 3 - Midnight, Tuesday - Saturday. While both actual schedules are cohesive to my life at this point, I was wondering, "Would I be able to work them both?" Of course that would require some explaining to Michael's as to the need for shortened hours with longer work-weeks, say 1 pm, not 3:30, possibly working 6 days instead of 5.
I am really not sure. I have way too much going on to think rationally at this point. I was panicked about not having a job, or car, and no longer a place of my own, and now... I seem to be in an over abundance of employment. I thought that it could not get worse, but when faced with the changes of "Ok, I'll take any job" to "Oh, now I have choices?" it's a little bit taxing.
If you have any thoughts... please do share!!!
★

So that's what's going on here....

Your Daily Affirmation:

Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for the real "you"? In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these ...

• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
• I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
• Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
• My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
• I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
• I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
• Joan of Arc heard voices too.
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self- righteous people around me.
• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
• When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
• All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
• I am at one with my duality.
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
• I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
• Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
• A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
• Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
• I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

Lots of Liners

Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
He who hesitates is last.
A man's house is his hassle.
Chaste makes waste.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately - He'll kiss it and make it better!
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.

Charlie was a chemist
But Charlie is no more
What Charlie thought was H20
was really H2S04.

Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Friction is a drag.
Heisenberg may have slept here.
What fools these morals be!
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he could-a had a V-8.
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
Biology grows on you.
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Go climb a gravity well.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!
Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one loop…And at least one bug!
That does not compute.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Walt Disney is in suspended animation.
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner.
If it works, Don't fix it.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Gravity brings me down.
When you're up to your hips in alligators, You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.
May all your PUSHes be POPed.
COLE's LAW - Thinly sliced cabbage.
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
It is hard to fly with the eagles when you work with the turkeys.
Nuke the Whales.
Basic is a high level languish.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
More people have died in nuclear power plants than in Teddy Kennedy's car.
Teachers have class.

Found on a door in the MSU music building:
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)

The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader.
Constants aren't; variables don't.
Biology professors never die, they just fail to react.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Midas was into golden showers.
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
Neutrinos are into physicists.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humus.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Black holes are out of sight.

Neuroses are red,
Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
What are you?

Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Weekend, where are you?
Grass is nature's way of saying "High!"
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
Individualists unite!
Money is the root of all wealth.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
Teamwork is vital! (It gives you someone to blame.)
Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate.
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture.
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Computers Unite! You have nothing to lose but your operators.
Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical?
Recursive, adj.: see Recursive.
An expert is someone from out of town.
If you see an onion ring - answer it!
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Don't read this cookie!
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Old frogs never die, but they do croak!
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Every time I lose weight, It finds me again!
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omni benevolent - it says so right here on the label.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Clones are people two.
Microwaves frizz your heir.
Neil Armstrong tripped.
God did not create the world in seven days. He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddy-wookie.
On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
There's no future in time travel.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Reality does not exist - yet.
Sentient plasmodia are a gas.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
Small programs are for small minds.
All programmers want arrays!
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Astronauts get missile-toe.
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
Raise ducks for quack profit.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Interchangeable parts won't.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs.
The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several times by example of what it is not.
Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros.
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Practiss makes perfict.
He who hesitates is constipated.
The best things in life are for a fee.

Topologists are just plane folks.
Pilots are just plane folks.
Carpenters are just plane folks.
Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
Musicians are just playin' folks.
Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.

You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.

Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Astronauts are out to launch.
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.
Gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions!
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you're up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
Get a higher education: Attend a two story school.
A physicists journal is scientific notation.
Politics: From the Latin root Poly (Meaning many) plus ticks (blood-sucking parasites) - Many blood-sucking parasites.
Pobody's Nerfect.
Dyslexics contemplate dog.
A small goodbye is a micro-wave.

Thoughts...

I read this and it made me very sad. Often I find myself in a situation such as this, and all for not, it turns out much the same. This is written by my very good friend "Dale" W. What a gift he has to write these musings. To understand the whole person, to be selfless, to want a better thing for someone else then what you have to offer, is the true deffinition of love.

MATT

I’m your friend
And I was wondering
And I was thinking

Why are you alone?
Is it because people think
You are less than perfect?
Is it because people think
You are the wrong
Height, weight, build?
That you are unattractive?

I’m your friend
And I was wondering
And I was thinking

Why don’t people see you
Like I do?
I know you
I see you

Kind, intelligent, loyal,
Handsome
Strong arms and gentle hands
Proud face and delicate heart
You act distant to the world
But I see you
I know you

You Care.
So many pieces to you
I know you
I see you

I’m your friend
I’m just your friend
And I’m sorry
It was an accident
I’m sorry
I didn’t mean to love you.

Remember?

I don't remember the dream anymore.
I don't sleep anymore.
I don't know anymore.
I don't remember who I am.
I won't remember who I am.
Copyright © 2007 Ben Owens

Hear Me

it hurts, a lot, my heart.

it cries more then it beats.

i put on this face of stone,

i show the world that i am strong,

but inside i am constantly crushed by the silence.

i don't hear the calls of my heart.

Copyright © 2007 Ben Owens